InsaneJournal

Current mood:

pleased

Constrained Desire, Ch 3.
Title: Exploited Secrets
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: some 85 (Hakkai x Gojyo) but the series is leading up to, and mainly centering on 38 (Sanzo x Hakkai). *Also this chapter mentions hints of Shuei x Sanzo.
Summary: After everyone goes back to the inn Hakkai tells Gojyo what he was laughing about the other day, they get into a laughing fit and wake Sanzo from his sleep. Then, after Gojyo goes to bed, Sanzo and Hakkai have a late night talk and Hakkai ends up crying in his arms.
Rating: PG or PG 13... I dunno.
Notes: While I try to stick to the manga's version of events as much as possible I also use the anime for reference and occasionally re-word sentences when structure is confusing, the wording doesn't make sense, or when it suits my purpose. So there. :P
All comments and critiques are welcomed and cherished. <3

Once the meal was paid for the two walked back over to the inn. On their way back they passed by the town's bar, just in time to catch Gojyo being kicked out of it's doors.

“That's what you get for cheating, jackass!” The barkeeper yelled.

“Hey! I already told ya, I wasn't cheatin'!” Gojyo shot back.

“Then what were those aces doing up your sleeve, you dick?” the guy asked, slamming the door before Gojyo could reply.

“Damn... there goes any chances I had of playing another good game of cards tonight.” Gojyo said.

“It looks like they caught you up to your old tricks again.” Hakkai said.

“Next time, could you at least wait until we've already left this area behind to be kicked out?” Sanzo complained.

“I don't get kicked out of bars according to your schedule, asshole!” Gojyo retaliated.

“Maybe we should just all head back to the inn now.” Hakkai suggested. Sanzo had already turned his back on Gojyo and started walking.

“Yeah, well... it's not like I've got anything better to do.” Gojyo agreed. They all walked back into the inn and toward their rooms. Sanzo was the first to get into his, but Gojyo stopped at his door and said, “Hey, Hakkai... now that Goku's asleep, do you mind telling me what you guys were laughing about today?”

“Oh, right. I almost forgot.” Hakkai replied. “We should probably go downstairs so that we don't keep anyone awake.”

“Or wake anyone up.” Gojyo added, glancing over at the monkey's room. Hakkai had already started walking to the stairs, so Gojyo followed him down. They went out to the reception area and sat down in a few chairs, looking out the windows in the front of the building. “So... you said this was about me, right?” Gojyo asked.

“Right.” Hakkai replied, a bit of a chuckle on his lips. “Well, it involves you. You do remember what you said to me this morning, don't you? About Sanzo being attracted to men?”

“Yeah... what's so funny about that?”

“Well, while you and Goku were asleep Sanzo was telling me about Rikudo... or rather, Shuei, the monk he used to know before he became possessed by that talisman.”

“...and...?” Gojyo prompted.

“As it turns out, Shuei seems to have had an interest in Sanzo.”

“Yer shittin' me. An' here I thought it was the other way around.”

“Oh, it gets better. You should've seen the look on his face, Gojyo.... He was telling about this comment that Shuei made about his hair and his eyes, and the expression on his face was just so strained with embarrassment...” Hakkai couldn't help but chuckle just thinking about it. “I swear, if he were any more embarrassed I think he would've blushed!”

“AH-HA HA HA HA HAHA!” Gojyo burst out laughing. “Sanzo, our corrupt priest, blushing like a pretty little virgin!? BWAHAHAHAHAH!”

“Yes- HA-HA- it's just... ha HAHA- HYSTERICAL!” Hakkai agreed, laughing his head off. The two of them laughed so hard they nearly fell off their chairs.

“I think... BWAHAHA!- I would actually PAY- HAHAHA!- to see that!” Gojyo said, struggling to talk through his laughter.

“You- HAHAHA- you were just- haha- so wrong, Gojyo!” Hakkai added.

“I dunno... HE HEHE... Hey- hehe- ya think- he haha- maybe we should check to see if Shuei popped his cherry or not?”

“GOJYO! Ha HAHA! That was... HAHA- in incredibly bad taste! He he hehe!”

“But you're still- hehe- laughin' at it- HAHAHA- aren't ya? HEHEhe.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Their laughter was pierced by the resounding bang of Sanzo's banishing gun while two bullets went whizzing past Gojyo's head. “Damn it, I was about to fall asleep when the peace was shattered by your ungainly guffaws, you lecherous kappa!”

“Man, he's fucking pissed.” Gojyo said. “You don't think he heard what we were saying, do ya?”

“I'm... not really sure.” Hakkai replied.

“What the hell did you tell him, Hakkai?” Sanzo demanded.

“Oh, it's- um... nothing we haven't already talked about today, Sanzo.”

“That's what I was afraid of.” he said, lowering his head and speaking in a low-pitched grumble that betrayed his anger. “Are you two quite finished?”

“Sure.” Hakkai answered. “We're pretty much done talking, right Gojyo?”

“Yeah, we're going to bed here real soon, promise.”

Sanzo turned his back on the two and lowered his gun. He took a few steps down the hall and then stopped, turning his head to the side. “Not the same bed, I hope.” Hakkai and Gojyo were both so startled that they were rendered speechless at the comment. They looked at each other in complete disbelief. How could he have known? They had always been so careful to hide it. “It's so quiet all of a sudden, imagine that.” Sanzo said, stuffing the gun back into his robe as he walked out of the room and started climbing the stairs.

“You bastard!” Gojyo yelled, getting up to go after the monk.

“Gojyo, let it go.” Hakkai pleaded, placing one hand over Gojyo's belly to restrain him. “Now is really not the time or the place.”

“That fucking monk.” Gojyo cursed, frustrated that he wasn't able to vent. “You see, Hakkai? This is why I want nothing to do with that obnoxious prick!”

“Because having an obnoxious prick in your bed would be horrible, right?” Hakkai countered, laughing at the little joke. Gojyo stared in disbelief for a moment and then started laughing along with him.

“SHUT UP!” Sanzo yelled, firing his gun in their general direction. A bullet pierced the wooden floor just a few inches from Gojyo's feet.

“I think we really should go to bed now.” Hakkai said.

“Hey, since the bald monk made such a nice suggestion...” Gojyo began, moving one hand behind him to grab Hakkai's ass, “why don't we go ahead and take his advice?”

“I'm really not in the mood right now, Gojyo.” Hakkai replied, using his arm as leverage to get Gojyo's hand off of him.

“Aw, come on!”

“I'm actually very tired.” Hakkai said. He turned around to look at Gojyo for a moment with that fake smile on his face, the one that meant that he was clearly getting pissed. Then he turned back around and started heading for the stairs.

“You suck, Hakkai.”

“That is true.” Hakkai admitted, stopping for a moment. He turned his head to the side and glanced in Gojyo's direction. “But you really aren't one to talk, because... you enjoy it.” He brought one finger up to his mouth and let it linger on his lips and tongue for a moment before he turned around and proceeded up the stairs.

“You fucking prick, teasing me like that.” Gojyo muttered to himself. Watching Hakkai put that finger to his mouth made his blood boil and he was all kinds of frustrated. He didn't really understand Hakkai's reason for not wanting it, but he knew better than to push the envelope. Damn... it looks like it's gonna be Rosy Palms and her five friends tonight. So he quietly followed Hakkai upstairs and they both went to their separate bedrooms.

Hakkai got undressed and laid down on his bed, but he couldn't seem to shut his eyes for some reason, even though he really was very tired. Gojyo wasn't sharp enough to catch it, but to someone like Sanzo it would've been obvious that Hakkai's shallow jokes and easy laughter were a sure sign of fatigue. In truth, he would've been happy to accompany Gojyo to his room regardless of being tired, but after what Sanzo had said he was certain that he would've been unable to focus. Gojyo might not have even noticed, but Hakkai knew that he just wouldn't be comfortable doing something like that after hearing the comment that Sanzo made. I'm sorry Gojyo, I guess I really am a selfish prude sometimes.

Although he felt bad about letting Gojyo down, he couldn't help but wonder about the accusation Sanzo had made. There was no mistaking that it was an accusation, even though he made it sound like it was only a barb designed to get under their skin. Hakkai couldn't help but wonder if Sanzo really knew what was going on between himself and Gojyo, or if he only suspected that something was happening. Hakkai and Gojyo always took great care to wash up afterward, to go back to their own beds, to make it appear as though nothing suspicious had happened.

Still, Sanzo was pretty perceptive, and Hakkai knew that he couldn't really hide his relationship with Gojyo from him forever. It wasn't that Hakkai wanted to hide it or was afraid to mention it, he was pretty sure that Sanzo wouldn't care. However, it was an awkward thing to talk about and Hakkai just hadn't gotten around to telling him yet. He knew that it was something that he'd have to address quickly, now that Sanzo had brought it up. Whether Sanzo knew that something was going on or not, after making a comment like that, Hakkai couldn't just let the matter drop. He had to know what was going through Sanzo's mind, besides his own vindictive conceit.

So, Hakkai decided that he'd bring it up the next chance he got to talk with Sanzo alone. Hopefully sometime tomorrow. He took a deep sigh and closed his eyes, and then he heard the sound of a door quietly shutting across the hall. That sounded like it came from Sanzo's room. He thought, dragging himself out of bed. I really hope he doesn't have any bad feelings because of what Gojyo and I were saying earlier. Normally, Hakkai wouldn't be so worried, but they had said some careless things. Also, there was Sanzo's health to consider. His wound still hadn't healed, and if his mental state was suffering then there was no reason to think that his physical health wouldn't suffer along with it.

Hakkai put his clothes back on and then walked to the door, listening for any footsteps down the hall, he heard nothing. He opened the door and the hallway was empty, so he walked to the end of the hall, down the staircase, and when he got into the large room at the bottom he could see cigarette smoke rising from underneath one of the windows. He walked across the room, went through the door, and Sanzo was there, sitting on the edge of the porch and smoking. He had an expression on his face that was as tired and worn as it was angry. His eyes drooped more than usual and there were bags sagging down underneath them. His jaw was held firm and tense, his lips pursed in annoyance, and his eyebrows were lowered in anger.

Hakkai stood there for several minutes and no one said a word. After enduring Sanzo's silence, he sat down next to him on the porch. “I'm sorry you weren't able to get to sleep.” he said. Sanzo stared lifelessly out into the night, as though he were paralyzed. If it weren't for the subtle infrequent movement of his eyelids shutting and opening again, Hakkai would've mistaken him for a statue. You really take the term austere to a whole new level. Hakkai thought to himself. “If you're angry about what was said today, then you should be angry with me. It's my fault, not Gojyo's. I brought the whole thing up in the first place.”

Sanzo sighed, exhaling smoke. He took another hit of his cigarette, trying to clear his exhausted mind enough to make some kind of coherent reply. “I've been mocked for a lot of different things, but I never expected anyone to laugh at me because I haven't given in to a wanton desire for carnal gratification. Or, rather... I would never have expected that from, you Hakkai.”

“So, you really are...” Hakkai trailed off, finishing the sentence in his mind. ...a virgin? I can't believe it. It was something he'd always wondered, but never really had the audacity to ask. Although Sanzo was just about as anti-social as they come, he wouldn't have expected that level of purity from someone who worked as hard to defy the illusions of virtue as Sanzo did.

“You thought I wasn't?”

“No. I just, um.... I really wasn't sure what to think. I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to assume that something like that was true.”

“I see.” Sanzo said. His voice was expressionlessly numb, but still tinged with anger.

“I guess it was pretty careless of me.” Hakkai admitted, referring to the earlier conversation. “Although I never meant to offend you in any way, I knew how Gojyo would react. I guess that I shouldn't have assumed that you wouldn't be around to hear it.”

“Shit, now I'll never hear the end of it.” Sanzo grumbled.

“I don't think Gojyo will bring it up.” Hakkai said. “At least, not the way you seem to think he will. He won't use it as a taunt. He's really not like that.”

“I guess you know him well enough to say that, don't you?”

“Sanzo... what's that supposed to mean?” Hakkai asked, blushing a little bit in spite of himself. The matter was delicate to him, and Sanzo was being inconsiderately blunt about it. Not that Hakkai expected to be treated any differently.

“Don't ask stupid questions.” the monk replied, taking another hit of his cigarette. You already know what it means.

“How long have you known?”

“Ever since the first moment I caught you in his apartment.”

“But, at that point we really weren't....”

“Maybe not, but you had a bond with him before I ever showed up, right? He was already attached to you, and even after putting away your old life you decided to stay with him. From that point on I figured it was only a matter of time. You were both... two very lonely people, weren't you?”

“Sanzo....” Hakkai said, blushing again. It was true... and to hear that truth so being so meticulously exploited in his ears made him feel petty and weak. Do you think so little of me? He wondered.

“Besides, sometimes when we have to share a room and you walk in during the middle of the night, and you think I'm asleep, I can smell him on you.”

“Oh, dear... and I'm always so careful to wash off afterwards.”

“You can't wash off kappa stench.”

“I see.” Hakkai replied, laughing nervously because he was so embarrassed. “Ha ha ha.”

“What I don't understand is...” Sanzo trailed off, trying to think of the right words to express the lingering question in his mind. His brain was clouded with fatigue and he couldn't think of anything to say.

“Yes?” Hakkai prompted, after Sanzo had been silent for considerably longer than usual.

“Why HIM?” Sanzo finally asked. “How can you stand risking all your thoughts and affections on a thick-headed water sprite who can't even keep his dick in his pants!?”

“Oh, my... that's quite the accusation.” Hakkai said, giggling a bit at Sanzo's apparent frustration. “You wouldn't be jealous by any chance?”

“Do you wanna die!?” Sanzo threatened, with a look on his face that was so angry that Hakkai could see almost see the veins popping out of his forehead.

“I know that you don't have any respect for Gojyo, especially in light of all the insults you've both been throwing at each other lately, but...” Hakkai paused for a moment, thinking out carefully the words to convey his meaning. “...aside from his obvious lechery and self-indulgent nature, Gojyo is actually a very caring and selfless individual, once you get to know him.”

“I don't wanna get to know him any better than I already do.” Sanzo stubbornly insisted. “The very idea of him touching me with those groping mitts of his is enough to make my skin crawl.”

“Sometimes I think that you two are like a backwards fatal attraction.” Hakkai gibed.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“I'm not really sure you would want to know.”

“Are you -trying- to piss me off!?”

“Alright, it's nothing to get so worked up about.” Hakkai explained. “It's an affair in which one person is rejected by the person they're attracted to, but then that person turns vengeful and goes on a murderous rampage. I said that you two were like a backwards fatal attraction because you are so angry that Gojyo is attracted to you in the first place, that you're the one who's much more likely to become violent as a result.”

“Killing an idiot like him would be way too easy.” Sanzo said, as a means of making an excuse for the reason he hadn't done so yet. Hakkai laughed nervously at the comment. “Still, as high an opinion as you have of Gojyo...” Sanzo continued, pausing for a moment in an effort to make what he was about to say sound a little bit less harsh. “...isn't he still sleeping around with just about any woman he can get his hands on? Are you really okay with that?”

Hakkai sighed and smiled, this was a smile that said that Sanzo's words really got to him. They pierced him like a knife straight through the heart, forcing him to stop and gather his composure before he could reply. “To tell you the truth, no. I'm really not okay with that.” he explained in a meek and broken tone. “Even though we agreed that our relationship was not going to be mutually inclusive, and I really don't have any reason to complain... I have to admit that, every time I see him with one of those women, it hurts.” Hakkai stopped there, he couldn't really say any more than that. He felt so betrayed, thinking about all the women who'd shared Gojyo's bed ever since the two of had become a little more then friends. He hated having to share him with anyone, but at the same time, he also hated himself.

After all, Hakkai had agreed to this arrangement. He and Gojyo had talked it out and decided that this was the way things were going to be. Both of them were free to be with whoever else they wanted. However, Gojyo seemed much more eager to indulge in that privilege then Hakkai had ever been. He knew that nothing he could do would ever change the way Gojyo was, and yet he still fell to jealousy in spite of his own resolve not to do so. He felt so weak, guilty, and ashamed of himself. He had been putting so much effort into trying to ignore it and deny it, even putting on an act like as though it wasn't affecting him. It worked on Gojyo, but he didn't seem to be able to fool Sanzo. No, he didn't suppose that he could ever pull the wool over the monk's eyes so easily.

“You knew what he was like before you decided to do this.” Sanzo insisted, forcing Hakkai to face the truth. “So I'll ask you again, why did you consent to it?”

“Why?” Hakkai repeated, lost in a whirlwind of emotions. To answer the question, he had to look past all of the things that had been happening lately and think back on their past. “I guess from the first moment he found me laying on the ground in the rain, when he kneeled down and looked into my eyes, there was something there.” Back when it happened, Hakkai had looked at him with a desperate gaze that said that he wanted to die. At the same time, his eyes mocked Gojyo for showing any concern for his life. That look that vehemently wished for death, it turned out, was something that Gojyo recognized all too well. A look that he once had in his own eyes. However, it wasn't until later that Hakkai found out the reason his friend was so familiar with that look.

“He took me into his home and spent most of his time caring for me. I appreciated it back then, but I never really knew how much he sacrificed until after I moved in with him.” To spend a month caring for an injured man would be a lot to ask of anyone, but even more so for Gojyo. He's constantly smoking, gambling, and flirting with women, Hakkai thought. “In addition to the kindness he showed in saving me, can you imagine the self-restraint it would take for him to give up all of this nights at the bar?” he asked. It made obvious the fact that Gojyo wouldn't go to all of that trouble for just anyone. “He didn't even smoke inside until I'd regained consciousness. That took a week!”

Sanzo wouldn't have believed that the water sprite had that much restraint in him. Still, he was certain that Gojyo had his own personal reasons for saving Hakkai. However, he thought better of actually saying something like that right now, while Hakkai was feeling so vulnerable. At any rate, he was too tired to make his usual angry, self-absorbed quips.

“After I'd recovered enough to get out of bed one night, I told him about Kanan and he told me what had happened with his mother. I guess that was when our bond first started to form, while we were both just sitting around blaming ourselves for our own losses.” After all, we both knew what it was like to lose someone. “It was the memory of that night that made me decide to go stay with him, but it wasn't until after I moved in that things became... well, different.” Hakkai paused for a minute. He was anxious about talking of this so openly, even though he did trust Sanzo to understand what he said. “After staying with him for a couple months, I had this horrible nightmare. I woke up screaming and crying over Kanan. Then Gojyo got up and slipped into my bed, and held me in his arms until I stopped crying.”

It was there, crying in his arms, that I first began to notice the musky smell of his body and how wonderful it felt to have his skin so close to mine. Hakkai thought. He wouldn't put this part of the memory into words, not unless he wanted to be threatened and yelled at. So I wrapped an arm around him, and pressed his chest to mine. Then he asked me if it would be alright if he kissed me, and I said it was fine. Hakkai would never forget the way it felt that night, losing the aching pain and self-doubt of that loss in the heat of each other's bodies. “After that night, everything changed.”

Hakkai stared off into the night for a moment, reminiscing about it. Then he turned over to Sanzo, who he expected to be watching him intently. Instead, the monk was also staring off into the distance. He had that beaten, worn-out, absolutely exhausted look on his face... but for a moment, Hakkai thought that he also saw loneliness in those droopy violet eyes. “Sanzo, is something wrong?”

“I'm burnt out.” he replied, stiffly. He wouldn't admit it even to himself, but for a moment he had wondered what it would be like, just to be held by someone.

“I'm sorry for keeping you up.” Hakkai said, feeling guilty for dragging the conversation on for so long.

“You're not keeping me anywhere.” Sanzo replied. “I'm the one who asked, remember?”

“Right.” Hakkai said, sheepishly. “Well, since we're both getting pretty tired, I think it's about time we-” He started to get up and head for the door, but the monk grabbed ahold of his wrist and pulled him back down to the floor.

“Where do you think you're going?”

“Is there something else you wanted to talk about?” Hakkai asked, feeling rather perplexed.

“It's just....” For a moment, Sanzo thought better of what he was about to say. It was something very personal, and he wasn't usually the type to pry into someone else's life. However, if he didn't ask about it now he knew that he'd be turning it over in his head for days, maybe even weeks. Something so trivial really wasn't worth all that effort, not when a simple answer would only take a few minutes of both of their time. “Perhaps I'm mistaken, but... back then you seemed like the kind of man who valued loyalty. Wasn't it your goal to settle down and live with just the one person you loved? Or... did those dreams die back when she did?”

Hakkai's mouth fell open. He was stunned, shocked, rendered speechless by that question. Kanan.... Her name, and all the memories that went with it, came flooding into his mind. It was true that back when he was with her, he wanted nothing else. No other way of living was more precious to him than to settle down and be with her, as a family, regardless of whether they could ever have any children or not. His dream... so easily shattered when he came home to a scene of scattered clothing and overturned furniture. The townspeople were all such worthless cowards, defending the sacrifice of someone so precious, and defenseless.

Yes, he went out in pursuit of his revenge. He wouldn't let anything come between himself and his mission to save her. He had promised to protect her. Not even an army of a thousand demons would stand in the way of rescuing his love. He slaughtered them all, without mercy. Guilty and innocent alike. To him, there were no innocents. Not among the monsters who had conspired to take his love, or even those who simply complied out of an obligation to a more powerful entity. In the end, they were all the same. All died by his hand. All for nothing.

He wasn't sure when he'd started crying, but tears were now streaming down his face. No matter how many times he tried to wipe them away, his face was still dripping with anguish. Every time his mind went back to that place and saw her standing in that cell. Every time he heard her talk about the monster growing inside her, and saw her clutching that dagger to her chest. Every time he watched her drive it into her heart, he felt like he was the one who was dying inside. Please, kill me. As he hid his face inside his hands, and sobbed into his palms, he felt a hand gently resting on his shoulder.

Sanzo didn't know what sort of reaction he had expected from Hakkai, but he hadn't expected this. In retrospect he was a fool, he should've seen it coming a mile away. When did I become such an idiot? He asked himself. “Hakkai....” he said. The word went unheeded. Whatever Hakkai was thinking about, he obviously couldn't hear Sanzo now. He was gone, lost in the bitter torture of his past, reliving the horror of watching his lover die over and over again in his head. His voice was warped with anguish, and tears poured down his cheeks in rivulets. His hands were contorted around his face, in a futile effort to hide his grief. Sanzo stared helplessly at first, wondering, What have I done? Then he gently laid one hand on Hakkai's shoulder. That was about as much of a comforting gesture as he could bring himself to make.

“You're right-” Hakkai managed, between sniffles. “Everything you said was true.”

“Hakkai.”

“She is dead... and with her, everything I ever cared for is-!”

“Pull yourself together!” Sanzo commanded.

“Right.” Hakkai said. Still sobbing uncontrollably, he pulled his face out of his hands and sat up straight, then he leaned back against the wall. Slowly his quivering throat began to still, his vocal chords ceased their guilt-ridden tune, and the stream flowing from underneath his eyes finally stopped running.

“Hakkai?”

“Yes?”

“Forget I said anything.” Sanzo said, getting up and walking to the door. He was stopped short by a tug on his sleeve.

“But, Sanzo...” Hakkai protested.

Sanzo looked down into those verdant eyes, with such a turbulent yearning expression in them. For a minute he thought that if he made the slightest movement to release his robe from the young yokai's hand, then something inside of Hakkai would break. Instead, he knelt down beside his friend, used one hand to lift his tear-stained face, then he looked straight into that haunted gaze and said: “None of your tears will bring her back.”

Hakkai collapsed into Sanzo's chest, with tears flowing from his eyes all over again. His hands clung to the priest's robe and his cheek rested on the smooth white fabric, dampening it with moisture. Sanzo put one hand on Hakkai's head, and silently held him while he cried.