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Constrained Desire, Ch 4.
Title: Forgiveness
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: some 85 (Hakkai x Gojyo) but the series is leading up to, and mainly centering on 38 (Sanzo x Hakkai).
Summary: Sanzo finishes consoling Hakkai, and then they both go to bed. The next morning brings mayhem at the breakfast table, Goku and Gojyo trash the place fighting over food while Sanzo and Hakkai talk. Then Sanzo goes back to the inn for a nap while the others go to the market for some meat buns. After they're done eating, Hakkai and Gojyo go back to the inn for some private time.
Rating: PG 13... at least.
Notes: While I try to stick to the manga's version of events as much as possible I also use the anime for reference and occasionally re-word sentences when structure is confusing, the wording doesn't make sense, or when it suits my purpose. So there. :P
All comments and critiques are welcomed and cherished. <3

That's right, Hakkai... Sanzo thought, just let it all out. After all, he knew what it was like to experience the crushing force of loss. Losing the one person who meant everything to you in life, the one on which you based all of your hopes and aspirations, it had a way of leaving anyone completely and utterly devastated. Sanzo briefly wondered if he had wanted a shoulder to cry on all those years ago, when demons had entered the temple and taken the life of his master. Shuei might have been that shoulder, but he had the duty of informing the others about the incident, and even back then, young Genjyo Sanzo was too stubborn and willful to ask anyone else for comfort.

In a way, he envied Hakkai, who was able to express all of the same emotions that he had held inside of himself so deeply, and for so long. It had been ten years for him, only three for Hakkai. He tried to convince himself that was the only difference, but he knew better. Even now, he was afraid to express sorrow over his own loss. Somehow, he still felt that if he did, it would show him to be weak. So he held Hakkai quietly, without a word about his own tormented past. Not so much as a painful sigh or a single tear betrayed what he was really feeling. He stayed there comforting his friend, without so much as a request for help with his own pain.

Eventually Hakkai's tears dried up, and his chest stopped heaving. The two of them separated and stood on their feet, Sanzo pulling a cigarette out of his pack and then giving himself a light. Hakkai stood there, thinking about Kanan. Losing her had made him feel so frail and powerless, and yet it was true that none of his feelings of guilt and loss could ever make up for what had happened in the past. It was a strange way Sanzo had of comforting someone with a hard truth, but at the same time it was remarkably effective. Now that he thought about it, he didn't feel sad enough to cry anymore. “I'm sorry.” Hakkai said. “I guess I let my emotions get away from me there for awhile.”

Considering the peeved look on Sanzo's face, he felt as though he'd been a huge inconvenience. Admittedly, he was pretty embarrassed at his own behavior. “You have nothing to apologize for.” Sanzo insisted. After all, I'm the one who was being an ass.

“Sanzo...” Hakkai said. Even after the long drawn-out emotional fit he'd put Sanzo through, he was still gracious enough to spare Hakkai's feelings. “...thank you.” He really wondered, from time to time, what he had ever done to deserve such consideration. Especially coming from someone who was usually so opposed to showing any kind of compassion toward anyone at all. He didn't think he'd ever seen Sanzo hold anyone in his arms like that, except perhaps son Goku, just once.

Hakkai felt like a little child, comparing himself to the optimistic, yet absent-minded youth. The two of them did share some similarities. Sanzo had saved both of them after all. Thinking back on the day they met, kneeling down by the ashes that were all that remained of his lover, and the castle where he had left her body, it was almost like he could still hear the reassuring tone of that calm, clear voice. Although he wasn't prone to such romantic notions, he had to admit to himself that Sanzo was also his sun. Like the golden light rising over the barrier of the earth, the sound of his voice warmed him, heart and soul, obliterating any darkness or doubt.

Looking up at the soaked splotches on the monk's robe, Hakkai realized that he'd done it again. Just like he did every time Hakkai felt weak, stricken with grief, or helpless. Sanzo was there to bring him back from the precipice of despair. There were times when he felt like all the “thanks you's” in the world would never be enough to repay this constant kindness.

“Will you stop already?” The monk grumbled, replying to the last thing Hakkai had said. “I can't stand that apologetic tone of yours.” You don't have to thank me for anything. They stood there silently for a moment. Sanzo was waiting for Hakkai to say something, but Hakkai kept quiet because the only thing he could think of to say would be more remarks of gratitude, which was something that he already knew Sanzo didn't want to hear. Finally, after several minutes of silence, Sanzo said, “We should probably get some rest now.” It was an adequate note to end the evening on. After all, he did get the chance to feel what it was like to hold someone. Although that specific situation wasn't really what he had in mind, it was probably better that way. He didn't think that he could ever bring himself to cry in anyone else's arms anyway.

“Alright.” Hakkai said, glad that Sanzo was finally starting to sound sensible. They both walked back inside, straight across the entryway, and up the stairs. It was only when he was headed toward his bedroom door that Hakkai stopped to mention the one last thing nagging at him. “Hey, Sanzo....”

Sanzo paused in the middle of the door way looking pretty irritated. “What?”

“Does it really bother you that much that Gojyo and I are...” he stopped and held up his pinky, a hand motion that indicated a lover, “...you know.”

“Tch... quit acting like I care so much.” Sanzo replied, annoyed by the last-minute question. “I don't give a damn about what you two do behind closed doors, as long as I don't have to hear about it!”

“Right.” Hakkai replied, chuckling at the other man's crotchety attitude. He was about to head back into his room when he heard that deep, irritated voice again.

“Hey, Hakkai.”

“Yes?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at the blond across the hall.

“It's a good idea if you guys continue to lay low, because if that stupid monkey ever finds out about this... then, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you both.”

“Of course. Ha ha ha.” Hakkai replied cheerfully. “That's certainly something that I wouldn't want Goku to know about, especially at his age... although, he does look like he's about eighteen come to think of it.”

“His physical age doesn't matter.” Sanzo insisted. “He's not mentally mature enough to understand something like that.”

“I whole-heartedly concur with your assessment.” Hakkai agreed.

“Good night, Hakkai.” A forceful tone in his voice suggested that Hakkai not ask anymore questions and go strait to bed.

“Good night, Sanzo.” Hakkai replied cheerfully. He finally made it into his room and when he heard the door shut across the hall, he knew that Sanzo had made it into his. He got undressed for the second time that night, and as he laid down on his bed he wondered: If Sanzo really didn't care about what he was doing with Gojyo, then why had he asked all those questions earlier? Thinking back on on it, he realized that they were mostly questions about him, and not so much about Gojyo. You really were concerned for my well-being, weren't you Sanzo? Hakkai smiled to himself. It was a nice thought, even though he knew that the monk would never admit to it.

The next morning they all met in the hotel's front office and made their way back to the restaurant for breakfast. In spite of the fact that they ordered enough food to sustain a small army, it was all gone in no time, at which point Gojyo and Goku argued over the last morsel of food.

“It's mine!” Goku started.

“No idiot, it's mine!” The kappa returned.

“I saw it first!”

“But it was on my plate!”

“Everyone is so lively today!” Hakkai commented.

“Lively my ass, they're annoying as hell!” Sanzo said. Hakkai took the comment in stride, although he was surprised that the monk hadn't started firing his gun yet. As difficult as it was to ignore the obnoxious sounds of their argument, Sanzo thought he'd take advantage of the moment to ask a question that had crept into his mind since the other night. “Hey, Hakkai....”

“Yes?” Hakkai asked, wondering what would be interesting enough to keep Sanzo's mind off of the battle unfolding before them.

“You've been with Gojyo ever since just a few months after we all met, right?”

You want to talk about this now? Hakkai thought, looking over at the Gojyo, who was shoving his hand in Goku's face while the monkey pulled his hair. I guess it's as good a time as any. “Yes, that's right. It was actually about two and a half months since I moved in with him, which brings it up to about two years, nine months, and fifteen days since we first started seeing each other.”

“Right down to the exact date. Hakkai, you never cease to amaze me.” Sanzo said sarcastically.

“Well, I do try.” the brunet jokingly replied. Sanzo sighed and glanced over at the idiots fighting on the floor, they really were starting to get annoying. “I'm assuming there was some point to this inquiry?” Hakkai prompted.

“If the women bother you so much, why didn't you mention it sooner? I know that you're a patient man, but it's not like even you to brood that long.”

“To be honest, it didn't really bother me when we first started.” Hakkai explained. “Back when I agreed to the arrangement, I wanted things to be that way as much as Gojyo did. I thought it would be better than trying to fight it or asking him to settle down with me, and part of me really wanted to be free to explore other options as well.” He paused for a moment, noticing the way Gojyo and Goku were wrestling over the floor and shaking his head. “Then I guess, after awhile, our bond grew stronger. I'm getting more attached to him, I think. Maybe I'm becoming a bit selfish too. At first the women were just a slight inconvenience... then it became a little annoying, and now it's to the point where... well, I'm sure it's obvious to you that this has become a major distraction for me. That's the reason you brought it up, isn't it?”

“I don't care what happens to you two, but... when you're in a mood it affects everyone,” Sanzo said, watching the two idiots push each other around the room. “whether they realize it or not.”

Hakkai sighed and bowed his head, There you go, putting the weight of the world on me again. “Aside from the fact that I only recently realized this, I am not guiltless myself. I was flirting with Yaone a couple days ago, and I have to admit that I greatly enjoyed it. There are times when I do still crave female companionship... even if it's not in the same way that Gojyo does. Moreover, even if I wished to give up such occasional flirtations, I would not find it quite so easy to go back on my word. What would you have me do, Sanzo?”

Sanzo laughed quietly to himself. He wasn't really going to be this demanding, but Hakkai had made the mistake of asking him what he wanted. “Talk to him about it... even if it's only to express what you feel. After all, you're not going to ask him to stop.”

“You're right, I'm not.” Hakkai humbly admitted. “Even though, I very much wish for it at times. Still, I think things are better this way than any other path I might take. Wouldn't you agree?”

“That was a stupid question. Do you really want me to answer it?”

“No, I don't suppose I do. Ah ha ha.”

“I'd kill someone before I put up with that level of stupidity.” Sanzo said.

“Right.” Hakkai agreed, thinking about how foolish he was to let something like this bother him.

“I was talking about Gojyo.”

“Oh, I see.” With that, they slipped into one of those uncomfortable silences... although, you really couldn't call it a silence with all the racket that was going on between Goku and Gojyo. By this point in time they'd knocked over some dishes, overturned a few tables and chairs, and even managed to leave a few fist-sized indentations in the wooden floor.

“I'm gonna kill them both.” Sanzo fumed.

“I suppose I should start ordering the headstones.” Hakkai quipped.

“HEY, STUPID MONKEY!” Sanzo stood up and yelled across the room. Goku and Gojyo both paused in the midst of an epic battle to look over at the table. As soon as he had their undivided attention Sanzo picked the last bit of food off of the plate and stuffed it in his mouth, abruptly turning his back to go out for a smoke.

“Hey... THAT'S NOT FAIR!” Goku whined.

“That was my piece of meat, ya bald monk!” Gojyo added.

“Why didn't you hit me with the fan, like you always do!?” Goku demanded.

“My, my... he is in quite a mood.” Hakkai said to himself. He got up from the table and walked over to the two, bending over to smile directly at Goku's face. “It's my fault I'm afraid.”

“But, Hakkai...!” Goku protested.

“How is it your fault?” Gojyo asked.

“Tell you what, I'll make up for it by buying you a meat bun, okay?”

“Yeah, meat bun!”

“Hey... what about me?” Gojyo said. “That was my piece of pork Sanzo ate off the table!”

“Was not!” Goku argued.

“It's alright, I'll buy enough meat buns for everyone.” Hakkai said, hoping that the offer would quell the argument. He really wasn't in the mood to hear it anymore. Luckily the ruse worked, and they were too busy dreaming about meat buns to argue. The three of them headed to the door, walking out past Sanzo who was standing around smoking. “I'm going to go buy them something to replace the food you ate.” Hakkai explained.

Sanzo fished the little golden credit card out of his robe and said: “Don't spoil them too much, Hakkai.”

“Oh, I'll certainly try not to.” Hakkai replied. “Will you be here when we get back?”

“I'm going to go back to my room at the inn, I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night.”

“Right, neither did I.” Hakkai admitted.

“Shit... I don't think any of us did.” Gojyo agreed.

“Speak for yourself!” Goku said. “I got plenty of sleep!”

“Tch... I'll see you idiots later.” Sanzo complained, turning and walking toward the inn. Hakkai took the other two out into the marketplace. They grabbed a few meat buns from a street-side vendor and ate them while walking down the street looking at the various shops.

“Hey, Hakkai...” Gojyo said. “Is something bothering you? You seem a bit off.”

“Oh, it's nothing really.” Hakkai replied.

“Don't gimme that, something's eatin' ya.” Gojyo insisted, leaning on Hakkai's shoulder. He knew Hakkai well enough to know when something was going on. “You said something about it being your fault back at the restaurant, and now you're acting all distracted. Did that dirty monk say somethin'?”

“Well...” Hakkai replied, glancing down at Goku who was too busy cramming meat buns down his throat to pay attention to anything they were saying. “It wasn't anything important.”

Gojyo seemed to take him at his word at first. He got off Hakkai's shoulder for a moment and turned to look at something in one of the shops. Then, after a minute, he asked: “It wasn't... anything about us, was it? 'Cause there's been some kinda tension going on ever since that night he brought it up. If he has any kind of problems with this, then-”

“It was really just something about me.” Hakkai said. It was mostly true, at any rate.

“Oh. So, what's ol' droopy eyes got stuck up his ass this time?”

“Just the usual, he's worried about everybody keeping themselves together so that we can get on with this mission.”

“That sounds like him. I'm not really sure why you're so upset about it though.”

“Actually, there is something I'd like to talk to you about, but... I'd like to wait until we're somewhere a little less public than this.”

“Hey, Hakkai! Look at those mangos over there!” Goku yelled, interrupting their conversation. “Can we get some of those? Huh, huh? Can we? Huh?”

“Can it, you little monkey!” Gojyo yelled, hitting him over the head.

“Aw, come on! Just one!?”

“We're really not out to buy supplies today.” Hakkai explained.

“Why not?” Goku asked. “We might as well while we're in town, right?”

“We're not leaving here for a few days, so we have plenty of time to get supplies later.” Hakkai said cheerfully. “I thought that for right now, we could just walk around and look at things. It was either that, or go back to the inn.”

“I'll tell ya, I could use a little nap about now.” Gojyo said, faking a yawn after he'd finished the sentence.

“Aw, but that's so boring!” Goku complained.

“I really could use a bit more rest myself.” Hakkai agreed. He did feel awfully exhausted for some reason.

“Aw, come on Hakkai!”

“Nope. We're going back to the inn, stupid monkey!” Gojyo said, forcing his hand down over the young man's head and messing up his hair.

“Hey! Knock it off, you filthy water sprite!” Goku said, wedging his hands underneath Gojyo's to try to pry the hand off. Hakkai quietly followed them back to the inn, wondering what he could possibly say to Gojyo without feeling like too much of a failure.

“Nice plan by the way.” Gojyo said.

“What?” Hakkai asked, startled out of his thoughts.

“You know, don't buy the supplies yet so that when the arrogant prick wakes up from his little nap, we won't be able to take off. Am I right?”

“Oh- Yes, that's right.” Hakkai confirmed. They got back to the inn quickly enough, and Goku protested going back to sleep, as expected. Hakkai tried to reason with him, but he was stubborn as usual and they ended up just leaving him down stairs near the inn's entrance while they both walked up toward the rooms. After going through his door, Gojyo held it open and waited for Hakkai to enter. No words needed to be exchanged. They both already knew why they were there. Gojyo sat down on his bed, and drew a cigarette from his pack, lighting it up while Hakkai sat on a chair across from him.

“So, what'd ya wanna talk about?”

“It's just something that's been bothering me lately.”

“Something about that asshole monk?”

“Actually, it's something that you've been doing, Gojyo.” Hakkai corrected, letting just the slightest little bit of his disappointment in the other man's actions creep into his joyful tone of voice.

“Shit, what'd I do this time?” Gojyo asked, casually smoking his cigarette. He was always doing things that got on Hakkai's nerves, like leaving his trash all over the place and using empty cans as ashtrays. He assumed it was something trivial like that.

“I'm going to sound petty and selfish, but...” Hakkai began, in the same falsely pleasant tone that he used to conceal all of his discomfort. He really didn't want to say this. “the way you are with women has been bothering me lately.”

“Huh?” Gojyo said, taken aback by the comment. That was really the last thing he was expecting.

“Honestly, Gojyo... I'm surprised you haven't noticed. The comment that I made the other night when you were flirting with that girl at the inn, and then the one about the dancing girls before we fought that spider demon that night.”

“That thing you said about educational principal? I thought that was just because you didn't want me saying something like that around Goku.”

“That was my excuse, but... it also bothered me as well.”

“How about that time the stinking monk hit me over the head with his paper fan the night before last? You didn't ask him to do that did ya?”

“I think that your sexual harassment bothers him as much as it does me, besides... since when have I ever been in a position to tell Sanzo what to do?”

“I see.” Gojyo said, laying back to relax on his bed while he smoked. “You know, Hakkai... if something like that bothers you, then you should tell me about it. I'm kinda thick-headed sometimes, and I might not always notice these things, you know?” It wasn't that he really minded so much, but he hated to think that Hakkai had been worrying about it for so long.

“You're right. I guess I was pretty foolish.” Hakkai said, hanging his head with a smile to hide how dejected he felt.

“Now, I don't wanna hear any talk like that.” Gojyo said, sitting up straight to look Hakkai in the eyes. “Besides, I actually think... it's kinda hot.” He shot Hakkai a seductive wink and Hakkai blushed in spite of himself. “So, ya want me bad enough to get jealous, huh?”

“I guess that's right.” Hakkai admitted, laughing nervously. “Ha ha ha.”

“You know what I think?” Gojyo asked, getting up from his bed. He walked over the the chair, and took Hakkai by the hand, pulling him up from his seat. “I think we need to spend a little 'quality time' together.” He lead Hakkai over to his bed and then laid him down on top of the sheets. Then he climbed on top of the pretty brunet and started kissing him, sinking his tongue down in between those beautiful lips.

Hakkai complied willingly in getting up out of the chair and allowing himself to be lead across the room to the bed. He was really happy that Gojyo hadn't been offended by what he said. He laid down and accepted the kiss, thinking that this was where he wanted to be. Right now, more than anything, he wanted to lose all of his doubts in his lover's embrace. He was easily able to out-maneuver the sloppy movements of Gojyo's tongue in his mouth. Then his hands and fingers moved deftly over the half-demon's body, touching him with just enough pressure to incite arousal, but loose enough to keep him burning for more.

“Not this time, lover boy.” Gojyo broke the kiss and pinned Hakkai's hands back down on the bed. “I'm the one who did something to make you upset, right? So... why don't you just relax and let Daddy Gojyo make it feel all better?”

“I really do despise that name.” Hakkai said, laughing with false happiness. “Ah ha ha ha.”

“Shut up. You know you like it.” Gojyo replied, forcefully kissing him so that he'd stop talking. His hand moved up to Hakkai's shoulder and his fingers nimbly unfastened the buttons on his shirt. He peeled the forest-colored fabric away and let his fingers gently drift over the exposed flesh, lightly grazing an exposed nipple. Hakkai moaned softly at the touch, his pants were becoming unbearably tight. Luckily it seemed that the next place Gojyo's hand was headed, was for his belt.