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Constrained Desire, Ch .8
Title: Live
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: some 85 (Hakkai x Gojyo) but the series is leading up to, and mainly centering on 38 (Sanzo x Hakkai).
Summary: After defeating Chin Yiso Hakkai feels happy to be alive, but he suspects that he's done more damage to Sanzo's neck than he lets on. When the group finally arrives at an inn Gojyo asks Hakkai to come to bed, but he decides to check on Sanzo first.
Rating: PG13
Notes: While I try to stick to the manga's version of events as much as possible I also use the anime for reference and occasionally re-word sentences when structure is confusing, the wording doesn't make sense, or when it suits my purpose. So there. :P

All comments and critiques are welcomed and cherished. <3

“Three years ago, on that day you looked up at me in the heavy rain, you had eyes that were asking me to kill you.” Gojyo said. He could remember it clearly, as though it had only happened yesterday. He never thought he'd see that kind of look in someone else's eyes. “That's why I helped you. I'm not a kind person that'll let someone that's wanting to die, die so easily.”

“Gojyo...” Hakkai said. He knew that it was really a very kind thing that he had done.

“And, what about right now?” Gojyo interrupted. “You don't have a face that's saying you're ready to die any day.”

“Right now... let's see.” Hakkai trailed off, trying to find the words to describe how good he finally felt about living. He held his hand up and looked at the lines running across his palm. “I'm wishing that this life line was a little bit longer.” If you'll forgive me, Kanan... just a little bit longer. I hope to live for my sake.

“Eh, what? Hakkai's life line's short?” Goku asked, after sneaking up behind him and grabbing his hand.

“Whoa, you scared me!” Hakkai protested.

“Then let's... JUST DO THIS!” He said, using a marker to extend the line all the way down to Hakkai's wrist.

“Hey saru!!! Clean up the stuff you've messed up!” Sanzo called.

“Oops!” Goku said, running off to go do as Sanzo asked.

“Ha ha... idiot!” Gojyo laughed.

“What should I do?” Hakkai asked, staring down at the mark in confusion. “This is a permanent marker.”

“Yep, it's a permanent marker.”

“It won't come off.”

“Yep, it won't.” Gojyo replied. “Isn't that alright?”

“You're right.” Hakkai agreed. Sanzo and Goku were already headed back into the jeep, arguing along the way about what kind of food they were going to eat when they got to the next town. Thanks to the cast on his leg, the monkey was able to climb into the back of the jeep just fine. Gojyo and Hakkai got off the hood of Hakuryu while Sanzo sat down on the passenger side of the vehicle.

“How long will it take until we reach the next town?” he asked.

“According to the map, it shouldn't be more than half a day's drive ahead.” Hakkai replied.

“We might have to stay there for awhile.” Sanzo said, glancing back at the cast covering Goku's leg.

“I think it would be best for all of us to get a little rest.” Hakkai agreed. Then he revved up the engine and stepped on the gas. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining brightly in the azure sky and the grass and leaves on the trees was a bright and verdant green. It was the first time in so many years that he truly felt that it was a wonderful thing to be alive. His past, and all the painful memories that came along with it, had been dragging him down for so long that he now felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. No longer did he feel as though he were under condemnation for his sins, or that he had to make atonement in some way. In the absence of all the guilt that had been plaguing his mind, there was now a profound sense of peace and gladness.

After hours on the road Sanzo could no longer pretend not to notice, during his occasional glances over at Hakkai, that sincere and joyful smile. It was quite a change, and a very welcome one at that. Seeing that expression on his face, it was almost addictive. He couldn't help but smile a bit himself, although he kept it hidden as well as he could. Luckily, it was easy enough to hide it form the idiots in the back, and if Hakkai saw it, then he really didn't care. He had been worried about the troubled youth for a long time, but now it seemed that the cause of his worries was gone.

Hakkai was lost in thought for awhile, but as his mind cleared he also noticed those few half-hidden smiles. It was unlike Sanzo, but then again the entire incident with Chin Yiso had ruffled all of their feathers in some way. Still, there was something else off about him. The way he held his neck at a certain angle, it almost looked as though it were painful. I wonder... Hakkai thought. He knew that his grasp had been tighter than Sanzo let on. He was just downplaying the issue in order to look good and put everyone else at ease. He wasn't going to let Sanzo get away with that. It was definitely something he intended to address, but only once they got checked into an inn at the next town. For the time being, it was better to leave things as they were and allow everyone a little bit of time to relax.

Now that he thought about it, what Sanzo had done earlier was also highly unusual. Even if he had been surprised by the initial attack, Hakkai never would have imagined that he would be one to even so much as pretend to lay down and die. Not for anyone. Certainly not for someone like him. If he had really wanted to, he would have found some way to get Hakkai off. But instead of that, he simply played along. Hakkai had rather expected Sanzo not to trust someone so much, especially considering that person had once gone into a vengeful rampage and slaughtered thousands of demons for no better reason than to avenge a lost lover. Not that Sanzo blamed him for the sins of his past, but quite the opposite as he constantly defended Hakkai in his position. Even so, he had always seemed distrustful before. What had changed since then? Was it simply because of the situation they were in?

These questions floated through his head as the sun sank down in the sky. No matter how many times he considered them, he didn't come any closer to finding an answer. By the time the burning golden orb fell low enough to caress the edges of the earth, he could distinctly see the outline of buildings on the horizon. They came into the town, had a large meal at a restaurant in the middle of the square, and then went to go find rooms at the inn. It was a quiet little town, and it seemed that there were no other travelers in the area so they had no problem getting separate rooms. Sanzo, of course, was overly anxious to turn in for the night. Even Gojyo decided to eschew the town's bar. It was while they were walking to their rooms that he pulled Hakkai over and said: “Hey, you wanna give me a little company once these guys are asleep?”

“Oh...” Hakkai's train of thought was derailed by the suggestion. “I would be happy to accompany you to your room, but...” he paused to look over at the door to Sanzo's room. “I have something I need to take care of first.”

“Tch... what do you have to talk to that holy prick about?” Gojyo asked.

“It's just something I noticed earlier.” Hakkai explained.

“Hakkai...” Gojyo called, holding him there for a moment. “Did you really... think that you had killed him back there?”

“Only for a moment. Ahahaha.” Hakkai replied, laughing nervously. “But... I think things turned out well enough, don't you?”

Gojyo smirked at the comment. “Sure.” he replied, quite pleased that Hakkai had defended his position instead of waiting until Gojyo had to remind him not to be so hard on himself. That is a change... he thought. I'm gonna have to get me a piece of that. “I'd really feel better if you didn't have to talk to the bastard. But... I guess you won't listen to what I say anyway.”

“Does it bother you that much?” Hakkai asked.

“It's just...” Gojyo trailed off, trying to find the right words. “Lately, you seem to be kinda moody after talking to him.”

“Well, right now... I really don't have anything to feel bad about.” Hakkai replied.

“That's true.” Gojyo agreed, with a pleased smile. “Well, I'll be in my room waitin' for ya then.” he added with a flirtatious wink. “Hurry up!” Hakkai smiled and watched him turn to go into the room, then he walked over to knock on Sanzo's door.

“What?” The grouchy reply came floating through the hardwood.

Hakkai cracked the door open just a few inches. “Is it okay if I come in?”

“Fine.” was the reply. Hakkai opened the door and Sanzo was lounging on his bed, wearing nothing but his jeans, his reading glasses, and the black shirt he always had underneath his robe. He was casually smoking a cigarette and reading his paper as a method of relaxing before he went to sleep. “Is there something you want?”

“Just a moment of your time.” Hakkai answered. He closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed. There were still so many different questions and thoughts floating around in his head, he really wasn't certain where to start.

“What is it?” Sanzo asked, looking up from his paper. In spite of his typical impatience, he didn't seem terribly annoyed.

“Do you remember when I said: “I thought I'd done it for real?”” Hakkai asked. “I really... wasn't joking. For a moment, I honestly-”

“Tch...” Sanzo said, suddenly impatient. “You really think that I would die that easily?”

“It's not that, it's just...” he trailed off, wondering how to put this. He noticed a wooden chair to his side and pulled it over to sit down. “I did such a good job of acting according to that man's commands,” there were times when I couldn't really tell if I was in control. “I think...” Even when I was, I wasn't sure if I was holding back enough. “I actually fooled myself as well.”

“It's like I said...” Sanzo insisted while taking the glasses off. Since he was looking across the room at Hakkai, they were no longer needed. “...you didn't put much force into your fingers.”

“If that's the case, then....” Hakkai paused, changing his tone from being serious to one of saccharine insinuation. “Please, feel free to take off your shirt if you'd like.”

“You... bastard!” Sanzo grumbled, annoyed that the sharp young man had realized that he was hiding something underneath the turtleneck and had the gall to call him on his bluff. “I don't have any open wounds for you to close, so there's no need for you to see it.”

“Even so...” Hakkai persisted. Knowing that Sanzo was hiding something, he had to see how bad the injury was.

“You really wanna see it that badly?” Sanzo asked. “Fine.” He didn't feel like pulling the collar down, so he decided to just take the whole thing off. It was bothering him anyway. He set his cigarette down in an ashtray and pulled the fabric out of his pants, dragging the tight shirt up over his body and off of his head. He pushed the resulting crumpled black mess off of his arms and said: “There. Are you happy... you masochistic bastard?”

It was all Hakkai could do to stop from gasping at the deep, dark purple and black marks winding all around at the base of the other man's neck. Some areas were dented in while others were raised and swollen. With damage this severe, the inside of his windpipe was probably bruised as well. Hakkai stood up and cautiously stepped forward, brushing the warped flesh with the tips of his fingers. He knew that it would be bad, but he wasn't quite prepared for this. “I'm... so sorry....”

“Stop it.” Sanzo ordered, swatting his hand away. He couldn't stand the startled look in those wide-open eyes.

“But, Sanzo...!”

“Enough!” he yelled. The last thing he wanted was for Hakkai to feel guilty about it. “You didn't take my life, did you?! And if you're stupid enough to actually think that you could-”

“Aha ha ha ha!” Hakkai laughed, it was funny. Not only to see Sanzo so embarrassed, but for him to actually be worried about Hakkai, even after being wounded by him in such a way.

“Hakkai! What the hell...?!”

“I'm sorry.” he apologized, returning to his seat. “It's just that... I didn't realize that I'd done such an effective job of “pretending”.”

“Shut up.”

“I suppose the blood flying out of your mouth wasn't an act either.”

“I actually did black out for a moment.” Sanzo finally admitted, seeing that his tough act was useless at this point. He noticed the shocked look on Hakkai's face and added: “Then you woke me up with your obnoxious screaming.”

“I see.” Hakkai replied nervously. “It's just... so unlike you. You -quite literally- put your life in my hands.” Then he looked down at those hands. Although no longer covered in blood, they were still the hands of a murderer. “Is that really alright?”

“It's not like I wasn't surprised by your sudden attack in the first place.” Sanzo countered. “I wasn't expecting that.”

“You could have pushed me off, you know.” Hakkai offered. “We could've found some other way to take that guy off guard.”

“Nope, didn't wanna.” Sanzo obstinately replied. Besides, that method was definitely the most effective.

“Why must it always be: 'everything the hard way' with you?” Hakkai asked. You're such a brat.

“Shut up!” Sanzo replied. “Sadistic bastard, it was your idea!”

“That's true, but... you submitted to it.” Hakkai teased.

“So what?”

“Then, I suppose... that you don't mind it when I'm on top. Hahaha.”

“Why you-!” Sanzo growled, so frustrated he could barely speak.

“AHAHAHAHA!” Hakkai laughed.

“I'm gonna- fuckin' kill you... damn it!” Sanzo threatened. Hakkai just kept on laughing. As if the monk's apparent frustration wasn't proof enough of his embarrassment, his cheeks were getting flushed as well. “SHUT UP!” Sanzo yelled. “If you wanna laugh, then go back to your own room! And I mean YOUR OWN ROOM because I'll be damned if I have to wake up to the sounds of you and your fuck-buddy rocking the bed again!” Unfortunately the comment had the opposite effect that he had intended. Instead of offending Hakkai, it sent him into an even more intense fit of laughter. He laughed so hard that he toppled over and started rolling across the floor. “Hakkai... you fuckin'- bastard.”

Sanzo finally gave up trying to make Hakkai stop, and instead he sat back down on the bed to light up a cigarette and finish reading his paper. Hakkai laughed and laughed until his sides were sore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed so hard. The angry, stubborn, self-centered guise which Sanzo used to hide his true embarrassment and vulnerability was just the funniest thing. “I'm sorry.” he apologized, finally pulling himself off the ground. He stood up for a moment and then sat back down in the chair again.

“You've been spending way too much time with that idiot kappa.” Sanzo said. Sleeping with that bastard is corrupting you.

“You think so?”

“His perverted sense of humor is starting to rub off.”

“Somehow I think...” Hakkai mused, “that if Gojyo were here, he would've said something much worse.”

“I don't want to hear about that!” Sanzo complained, ruffling his paper in annoyance. “I've already had enough of his obnoxious comments! Anyway... if that's all you wanted, then I'm tired.”

“Actually, there was one more thing...” Hakkai said. Although many of his questions had been answered, he really hadn't gotten to the underlying cause of Sanzo's strange behavior. “Even though I know that you wanted to defeat Chin Yiso very badly, and you probably felt as though you didn't have any other choice...” but, you really had a choice the whole time. You could have abandoned me. You could have taken the others, or... at least Goku... and left me to confront that demon on my own. But, for some reason, you didn't. “Why did you trust me so much?” Even though I was uncertain... “When you said that I wouldn't ever betray you, it was almost like you knew that it was true... even before I knew it myself.”

“Of course I did.” Sanzo replied, making only a half-hearted attempt at sounding annoyed. His cigarette had nearly burnt down to the filter, so he snuffed it out and put down his paper. “The cause of all your pain and suffering... your guilty conscience, and even all of your 'sin'... was losing someone who was important to you, am I right?”

“Sanzo...”

“You don't think I know what that feels like?”

“I.... Of course.” Hakkai replied, humbly.

“After all the effort you went through to protect her, you wouldn't make the same mistake twice.” Sanzo said. Even if it is just my self-assured nature saying this, I know that my trust in you was not misplaced.

“You're right.” Hakkai agreed. I guess I had underestimated you... or perhaps, I simply wasn't paying attention. “It's strange, but... I never thought that you trusted any of us very much.” Not only myself, but the others as well. “In fact, as recent as the fight with Rikudo... I thought that you wouldn't be terribly concerned even if we did all keel over and die.”

“You know, for someone of intelligence...” Sanzo said, drawing another cigarette out of his pack, “you don't seem to realize- not everyone thinks like you.” That really isn't it at all.

“What?” Hakkai asked, honestly confused by the comment.

“Although we both lost someone before... the one person who made up our entire lives, our thinking about those situations is different.” he explained, pausing to light up. Hakkai listened rather curiously, wondering where Sanzo was going with this. “They took her when your back was turned, and hid her in a cell. Even though she died before your eyes, the bars were there to prevent you.” Otherwise, there is no doubt, you would have saved her. “On that day...” Do I really want to say this? he asked himself. I really don't, but... it's too late to stop. “Before my master...” before he was slaughtered that day... “he... put a spell on me.” He could never forget the feeling, standing there paralyzed. This man, who was like a father to me... I wanted so much to protect him. “I begged him to take it off, but...” he would not. He wouldn't let me....

“Sanzo...” Hakkai said, startled by the new information. Then, both of us were left powerless to do anything but stand and watch.

“In the end I was standing there, immobilized...” while he was ripped apart in front of me! Sanzo had to pause and take a hit of his cigarette to steady his nerves before he continued. “Someone like you is afraid of being pushed aside or deserted, afraid of being left alone...” he explained, “but for me, the most troublesome thing... is to think of someone dying while I am right next to them.”

“Sanzo.” Hakkai said. I see. Even though we are both afraid of losing those we care for... the most difficult thing for you, is to trust someone, isn't it? Yet, you still struggle against that fear. How hard it must be for you. After all, it had been a long time since his predecessor died. After being alone all that time... you're not really afraid of being alone, are you? Even though Goku was around, he was often just as much a burden as a comfort. Certainly, not enough to satisfy the loss of that one person upon whom Sanzo had depended. Then, I suppose that it's easier for you to push people away. Hakkai concluded. While I can't really say that I currently share that view, I also cannot say that I've never felt what it is like.

“The reason that I wouldn't fight with you guys that day wasn't because I didn't trust you.” Sanzo explained. It was because, for a moment, “I wanted something... that I didn't have to protect.”

“I... understand.” Hakkai replied. But then, Goku's inattention ruined it for you. He understood now why Sanzo had jumped in front of Rikudo's attack that day. I guess that in a way, we're the same. He thought, afterall Gojyo, although he is troublesome... I do love him. His thoughts trailed off as he wondered: Am I troublesome too? He wondered about the fight with Chin Yiso. It really must've killed you to stand by and watch, waiting for me to make a move and stand up for myself... Hakkai thought, wondering once again why Sanzo had done so. Sanzo hadn't seemed to be concerned about the others at that point, or even for his own life. You were really... afraid of losing me that day, weren't you?

Hakkai thought of Sanzo's words that day, standing up for him and dismissing the sins of his past as though they were nothing. All in a tone of voice so calm and assured, so unlike the angry, vindictive tone that he often expressed, that he knew that those words were sincere. He had defended Hakkai against all his critics, against the justice of the gods, and even against the destructive behaviors within himself. Why... he couldn't help but wonder, are you always... doing such selfless things for me? “Sanzo... if I can ask just one more question, then I'll let you rest for the night.”

“Then hurry up.” Sanzo said impatiently. His body really was starting to feel drained, and all of these sentimental conversations certainly didn't help.

“Why... did you save me, those three years ago?”

“Hakkai...” Sanzo protested, hanging his head and groaning wearily. It just had to be a question like that, didn't it? Even if Hakkai pressed him for an answer, he really didn't know what to say.

“I know that you have never condemned me for my past sins. You stood up for me... in part, because of the vengeance you took upon those who killed your master. However...” there is one thing that I never understood... “as for my self-inflicting nature... you've always... loathed it.” Hakkai confessed. He was feeling embarrassed, even though he was certain that, for the most part, that constant nagging guilt was gone. You couldn't stand being around someone like me. The fact is, I knew that you were avoiding me. All those years, you never came to visit unless the Sanbutsushin had sent you on a mission. “Perhaps it is because your will is so strong...” Hakkai mused. “but, I highly doubt... that there was ever a moment in your life... when you -truly- wanted to die.”

Sanzo exhaled his breath, put off by the statement. It was such an inaccurate assumption, it almost made him want to laugh. He had never expected to confront something like this, and yet here it was staring him in the face. What can I say now? He wondered. He couldn't let Hakkai go on thinking something like that, knowing that it was a farce. Even though the last thing I want is to talk about this... Before he spoke, Sanzo turned his head to the side, he couldn't bring himself to look Hakkai in the face anymore. “You... would be surprised.”

“What?” Hakkai asked, was definitely taken aback. Does this mean...?

“I guess... I might as well just answer both of your questions at once.” Sanzo said, reluctant to the point of becoming angry. However, having started along this path, he knew he wasn't able to turn away from it so easily. Damn it, I'm just like that stupid water sprite. “Everything that I've done... it was not for your benefit. It was all really, for my own selfish purposes, that I saved you.” In the end, I was the one who wanted to be saved. “Do you remember what I told you about my predecessor? How after his life was taken, I became his successor and ran down the mountain?”

“Yes, I remember it clearly.” Hakkai answered.

“After five days of endless walking, I was attacked by a small group of thieves.” Sanzo began. Hakkai snapped to attention, wondering how many other details of his past Sanzo had conveniently omitted in all the prior conversations they'd shared. “I fought them off by hand at first, but... I was tired and they beat me to the ground.” He could remember the sheer terror he felt, lying there helpless while surrounded by these men. “Then, one of them said that I had a face like a girl, and told the others to hold me down.” Hakkai's eyes went wide in shock at the thought. “He grabbed ahold of my leg, and then...” Sanzo pulled the short-barreled revolver out of his robes and softly fingered the trigger. “I shot a hole in that bastard's head.”

Hakkai breathed an audible sigh of relief. “I never would have thought....”

“It doesn't end there.” Sanzo said. I was so scared, and then... He could remember the rage that built up inside of him. “After his friends ran away, I unloaded the rest of the bullets into his skull.” After a moment, it got awfully quiet in the room. Sanzo looked up as though expecting Hakkai to say something, but he seemed to have been rendered speechless. “He was a human, Hakkai, the first person I killed.”

Sanzo. Hakkai thought. For you to do something like that.... “What are you trying to say?”

“For four years I was searching for my master's sutra.” Sanzo continued. “On the way, I was constantly attacked by groups of people wanting to kill me.” Then, just to survive... I killed them. “Humans, demons, it was all the same.” Everyone who stood in my way... I killed them all. “It was easy, taking their lives. I don't even remember how many I killed.” But... what did I kill them for? He could remember piles of bodies laying at his feet, their blood everywhere. “All alone on this journey, hunted wherever I went.” The only thing I wanted was someone... He wasn't even sure what he wanted someone for. Was it someone to talk to, or perhaps to comfort him? Someone that would somehow be able to make the nightmare end. I would have accepted anyone, but... “All I saw was death.”

Hakkai was stunned. He couldn't say anything, he couldn't even mange to figure out what to think. So young... and you were all alone. Surrounded by enemies on every side. Living like that for years... In comparison, his own trials seemed so small all of a sudden.

“I didn't have anyone left to protect.” like you did. Sanzo thought. “I killed them all for the sole purpose of saving this life.” This life... which had become so meaningless. He didn't even have any idea how many lives had been taken to preserve his own. “The weight of that guilt...” the loneliness... He could never forget the way it felt, having no one but himself, standing alone in the midst of all the people he'd killed. ...the madness and despair... “it was too much...” Just like the young version of himself in his memory, Sanzo's fingers closed around the handle of the gun and he brought it up to point the barrel at his own temple. “...for this life.” I wanted it all to end.

“SANZO!” Hakkai cried. He was sitting there watching with eyes wide-open in horror, and wet with emotion. “You didn't-!”

“I wonder why...” Sanzo mused, lowering the gun back into his lap. Selected because it was small enough that I could point it at my own head. He stared at it as though it was his first time ever looking at the thing. “I never did pull the trigger.”

“You never told me!” Hakkai accused, tears streaming down his face.

“I never told anyone.” Sanzo replied absently. “You're the first.”

“All this time...” Hakkai said. To keep a secret such as this... after all of the things you've done for me, so selflessly... even though you would insist that you were really being selfish. To think that all those times Sanzo had helped him, trusted him, and pulled him out of the darkness. He couldn't imagine how much it must have hurt him. Just to look at me... feeling guilt over something so selfish. How could you...?

“Hakkai....” Sanzo interrupted. “Don't make me regret it.” Not that he expected Hakkai to say anything, but he had to make it clear that he didn't want anyone else to know. He simply could not face up to this in front of that idiot monkey and the lecherous kappa.

“I-I won't.” Hakkai answered. All this time... what you really wanted, was to save me from a small part of the despair that you once felt, but.... Sanzo had been so much younger when it happened to him, and he had lived that way for so much longer. Killing people for all those years, and yet... you never had anyone else to share that burden. Hakkai couldn't help but wonder, looking up at the empty, grief-stricken expression on Sanzo's face. Is it because you wanted someone...? Resolute in his decision, Hakkai stood up from his chair and took the few steps remaining between himself and the bed. He knelt down on the mattress, so that he could look into those deep, tormented, amethyst eyes. Sanzo turned his head the other way, cowering at the thought of directly confronting this.

Are you really so afraid? Hakkai wondered. “After all that you have done for me...” lecturing me about my self-doubt, and forcing me to see that death changes nothing... you gave me so much. “...if there is ever a time when you want something...” even if it is just a shoulder to cry on... “then, please... allow me to be that person.”

I... don't want... Sanzo thought. The memories of that night were so vivid that he couldn't speak. In his mind, he saw the image of his master, lying there on the floor. Motionless. Breathless. His blood, everywhere. There is... no meaning in life. His thoughts were interrupted by the gentle touch of Hakkai's hand on his shoulder. “I don't want any of your sympathy!” he cried, slapping the hand away.

“But, Sanzo...!” Hakkai protested. He was hurt, but looking at the expression on the other man's face, it seemed as if he were about to break down any second. I have to be strong for him now. “You said... that when you saved me, you did it for your own selfish purposes.”

“What?”

“Maybe this time... it's my turn to be selfish.” Hakkai said. He forcefully put his hand around Sanzo's back and pulled him in toward his chest. “It's... alright, Sanzo.”

Sanzo felt like he was frozen, in time, in space. His body couldn't move, and as for his mind... it was in the past, standing alone in the room where his master had died. I... lost everything. He thought, looking down at the lifeless body. In a place where he was surrounded by people who were constantly condemning him, ceaselessly digging a pit for him because of their jealousy, Master Koumyou Sanzo was the only one to calmly guide him towards his strengths. Once he was gone, young Kouryu was surrounded by nothing but ridicule and derision. He could easily stand up to the other idiot monks in the temple, but his true emptiness was displayed only after he left.

Searching around the surrounding countryside for years, killing everyone who came for him. He had to admit that he was scared at first, at the sight of so much death. Then his anger took over, consuming whatever was left of his humanity until he became an emotionless killing machine, fit for nothing more than to wipe his attackers from existence. No matter how many of them he killed, it didn't accomplish anything. It didn't mean anything, and he knew that it would never bring his master back. For this life... which has become meaningless to me. Covered in the blood of those whose lives he'd taken, he lifted the gun to his own head... and then he stood there. Frozen... with what? Fear? Indecision? Even after taking so many lives, he still couldn't bring himself to end his own. With tears flowing from his eyes, he finally lowered the gun.

At first, when Sanzo failed to move, Hakkai thought it was because he was frozen in anger. He fully expected to be pushed, slapped, or somehow punished for having the audacity to try and comfort Sanzo in his time of need. But as moments passed, nothing happened. Sanzo laid there in his chest completely motionless, and then he felt the clinging sensation of moisture seeping through his shirt. He brushed one hand over Sanzo's cheek, and it came back slick with tears. But... he never made a sound! Hakkai hadn't heard anything, not a single sob or cry of pain, even Sanzo's breathing remained steady and seemingly unchanged. Yet his eyes leaked, a fountain of sorrow.

“Sanzo...” he held the back of the man's head in one hand, and wrapped the other arm around his back. “it's alright... I promise.” He continued to hold Sanzo, cradling him in such a tender, gentle way. It was almost the same as a mother holding her newborn child.

Sanzo probably would have slapped Hakkai, if he'd been in his right mind. If he were his usual self, he'd probably be angry as hell. If he had possession of any of his wits he would fly into a vicious rage, flailing about and pushing Hakkai as far away as he possibly could. But, he wasn't in his right mind, at all. The memories of his past sapped his strength, until even his most instinctive defenses failed. He wondered, Is this what I wanted? All those years ago, with no one to comfort him, he had simply kept going. Continuing on his search for his late master's missing scripture, with nothing to dull the overwhelming ache of emptiness that was slowly consuming him. Now, buried in this warm, gentle embrace, the pain of that day was lessened somehow.

He finally pushed himself up off of Hakkai's chest and wiped all the wetness off his face. His mind was so full of thoughts, and something even more confusing to him, emotions. Although he wanted to say something, he couldn't think of a single word that would adequately describe what he was feeling now. He felt so defenseless, and vulnerable, he hated feeling this way. I don't understand you at all, Hakkai. How do you deal with things like this?

“Sanzo... are you feeling any better?”

“If you ever do that again, I'll kill you.”

“Ah, I'll take that as an affirmative answer!” Hakkai said, happily.

“Shut up!” Sanzo replied, feeling embarrassed. “I'm tired. Go play with your boyfriend already!”

“Well, if you insist....” Hakkai agreed, smiling warmly as he got up and walked across the room. He really was quite relieved. Seeing Sanzo so tormented by his past, it just didn't suit him at all. Hakkai had just barely cracked the door open when he was stopped by the sound of that voice.

“Hakkai....”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Hakkai looked over his shoulder with a charmingly deceptive smile. “You're welcome, Sanzo.”

It wasn't until Hakkai had walked out of the room and closed the door that Sanzo muttered to himself: “You fuckin' bastard.”