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Constrained Desire, Ch .10
Title: In Your Dreams
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: some 85 (Hakkai x Gojyo) but the series is leading up to, and mainly centering on 38 (Sanzo x Hakkai).
Summary: Hakkai falls asleep and has some very disturbing dreams.
Rating: NC 17
Notes: This chapter will not make ANY SENSE AT ALL unless you've read the previous two chapters. Sorry for being so evil. <3

The moment his head hit the pillow, Hakkai was fast asleep. He had barely been able to summon the energy necessary to get out of Gojyo's bed in the first place, let alone down the hall and into his room. It was becoming rather tedious to change back into his clothes in Gojyo's room only to take them off again once he went back to bed. He was thinking that maybe next time he would simply bring his pajamas with him so that he wouldn't have to change as often. As exhausted as he was, it wasn't long before the thoughts swimming in his head and the memories of the day faded off into his dreams.

*****

Hakkai was fully dressed, and back in the reception room of the inn with the others. He was signing them in on the ledger while Gojyo teased Goku about something. They started to fight, and Sanzo yelled at them both to shut up and whacked them over the head with his paper fan. Then they all headed off to their rooms, Goku hobbling one leg while the cast on the other dragged against the floor. He begged Sanzo to carry him, but for the thousandth time that day the cranky priest told him to stand on his own two feet. By the time he started to head for his room, Hakkai thought that everyone else had already gone into theirs, but he was stopped by Sanzo right before he got to the door.

“Hey, you wanna give me some company once these guys are asleep?” Sanzo asked.

“Oh...” Hakkai was shocked by the question, it wasn't like Sanzo to actually ask for something like that so directly. “I would be happy to accompany you to your room, but...” he paused to look over at the door across the hall. “I have something I need to take care of first.”

“Tch... what do you need to talk to that stupid water sprite about?” Sanzo asked, looking annoyed.

“It's just something I noticed earlier.”

“Fine, but I'd really feel better if you didn't talk to the bastard.”

“Does it bother you that much?”

“Lately, you seem to be kinda moody after talking to him.”

“Well, right now... I really don't have anything to feel bad about.” Hakkai replied.

“That's true.” Sanzo agreed, with a pleased smile. “Well, I'll be in my room then. Hurry up!”

There's something off about all this. Hakkai thought as he walked over to knock on the door. There's something all too familiar about....

“What?” The grouchy reply came floating through the hardwood.

Hakkai cracked the door open just a few inches. It's not like Gojyo to be in such a bad mood. “Is it okay if I come in?”

“Fine.” was the reply.

Hakkai walked into the room and Gojyo was lounging on the bed, wearing glasses and reading a newspaper. Something is definitely wrong with this picture.

“What is it?” Gojyo asked, looking up from the paper.

“Do you remember when I said: “I thought I'd done it for real?”” Hakkai asked. Wait... what am I saying? “I really... wasn't joking. For a moment, I honestly-”

“Do I really have to say it?” Gojyo interrupted. “I won't die that easily.”

What's going on here? Hakkai wondered, as the conversation continued. It was strange, he could feel his lips moving and hear the sound of his voice, but somehow he felt detached from the situation. He was standing around talking about choking Gojyo earlier. ...but, I didn't choke Gojyo! The idea was just so disturbing, he didn't know what to think. Almost as if on cue, Gojyo pulled his shirt up over his head and Hakkai stared at the bruises on his neck. Gojyo's shirt doesn't even have a collar! Hakkai protested to himself. The wounds appeared all the same. I must be... hallucinating. Yes, that's it. Then he touched the wounds, and he could feel the way they bit into his skin. “I'm... so sorry.”

“Stop it.” Gojyo ordered, swatting his hand away.

That's not like you... Hakkai thought. Then they got into an argument, which he somehow turned into a joke that made him laugh until his sides were sore. The situation was so surreal. He didn't seem to have any control over himself, his body simply kept on acting on it's own. It's like I'm not even here. Then the conversation turned frank again. They were saying something about Chin Yiso, and then he asked: “Why... did you save me, those three years ago?”

Gojyo complained about the question, and Hakkai replied as though it were perfectly normal. This is not... He thought. Regardless of which, the conversation continued. Gojyo was talking about his past, about losing someone and then going out to kill people. Then he held that gun up to his own head, and Hakkai remembered the shock he felt. This is so wrong! To see Gojyo aiming a gun at himself like that. Where did that thing come from anyway? Gojyo doesn't even use a gun! Let alone Sanzo's, after all the times it's been fired at him. Then he went over to the bed, and let Gojyo cry into his chest. This is so real, but.... Then he realized: It's all a dream!

The realization shocked him in such a way that he didn't even realize what was going on. He was separating from Gojyo, saying goodbye, walking out of the room. Then he collapsed against the closed door. If Gojyo is here in Sanzo's room, and I had that conversation with Sanzo earlier instead of Gojyo, then that means these two have simply switched places in my dreams. But, that means that...

“HEY!” Sanzo cried, slamming the door to his room as it flung open. “What the fuck took you so long!? Damn it! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?”

OH NO! Hakkai thought, knowing exactly what was coming next. Even so his body seemed to be stuck in an endless time warp. “I guess I lost track of time. Ahahaha.”

“LOST TRACK OF TIME?!” Sanzo complained. “Sheesh! Get your ass in here already!” He angrily stormed back into his room, leaving the door open for Hakkai to follow him.

No, no, no! Hakkai thought as his feet wandered into the room on their own. Someone, please! Wake me up! Sanzo sat down on the bed while he sat on a chair. Then they had the all too familiar conversation about what had happened to Gojyo's neck. In the end he was left sitting there looking down at his hands. Please... make it stop! Then Sanzo walked over and kissed him on the lips, softly at first, then harder as he pried his mouth open and stuck in his tongue. It felt the same way it had felt when Gojyo did it that day, and soon Hakkai was moaning into that mouth and kissing back. This is just... so very, completely and utterly... wrong. Then he kicked Sanzo backwards onto the bed. He would be so angry if I did that!

Then, somehow, he broke free from the self in his dream. He stood by watching from a third-person perspective as dream-Hakkai walked over to the bed and climbed on top of dream-Sanzo, invading his mouth with his tongue while pushing the shirt up off of his chest. Sanzo would never... in a million years... he'd probably shoot someone first! Then the shirt was gone, and he watched as his own hands drifted all over Sanzo's chest while they kissed. Then his dream-self stopped kissing Sanzo, and trailed down his jaw, sucking on his neck. This is so horrible. His fingers drifted teasingly over Sanzo's chest, brushing over his abs, his pecs, his nipples, then his hands pressed firmly against that skin. “Fuck... Hakkai!” Sanzo gasped.

“Shh.” Dream-Hakkai warned. “We should really... try to keep it down this time.”

“Yeah... I think last time, our sounds of passion bothered that idiot water sprite.”

“Whatever gave you that idea?”

“The number of rounds he shot at me after you went down for a nap.”

Gojyo? Shooting at someone? This is insane! He watched as his own mouth moved down to lick at Sanzo's collarbone. All the while Sanzo laid submissively underneath him, gasping and groaning in pleasure. I can't imagine Sanzo ever enjoying something like that. Hakkai decided. Apparently, his subconscious mind disagreed. His mouth moved down over Sanzo's body, kissing the area of his chest that was right above his heart. If Gojyo had the marks on Sanzo's neck, then does Sanzo have the wound in Gojyo's chest as well? For some reason he did, and they had the same conversation that he had with Gojyo about it. Then dream-Hakkai moved to the side to suck on Sanzo's nipple. I really wish someone would wake me up now.

“Damn it...” Sanzo softly hissed. “You're makin' it real hard to stay quiet, Hakkai!”

“Is that the only thing I'm making hard?” dream-Hakkai teased. The real Hakkai watched in wide-eyed horror as his dream self reached down to grope at the bulging crotch of his Sanzo's pants. “Ah, I guess not! Hahaha.”

“Hey, while you're down there...” Sanzo said suggestively.

Oh no! Hakkai thought. Am I going to have to watch myself go down on Sanzo? His other self got up from his place, and started to undo the belt on Sanzo's pants. I think I'm going to be sick. Then dream-Hakkai asked Sanzo to grab the condoms, so he lurched over the side of the bed to dig in the shoe box. Sanzo never does anything for anyone. This dream is just... horribly unrealistic.

“Damn it, Hakkai! Quit usin' all the green ones! Now there's only red and yellow left... and this pretty little pink one. Hey, maybe we should give it to that empty-headed kappa! You know he likes men anyway.”

That wasn't in the original conversation. Hakkai complained. Although he realized that the argument that Gojyo didn't know how to use a condom simply could not be made. At least my subconscious mind has that much sense. Unfortunately, it also meant that he had to watch himself pull Sanzo's pants all the way off of his body. I wonder if he's really that size... Hakkai thought, watching the massive erection burst out of those pants just the way Gojyo's had. Gah! I shouldn't be thinking such things! Sanzo would shoot me if he found out! Then he watched himself catch the condoms and lube thrown at him, unwrap the red one, and stretch it over that huge cock.

Dream-Hakkai didn't even hesitate to open up his mouth wide and take that thing deep into his throat. Then he proceeded to suck it and work it in and out of his mouth while Sanzo gaped and moaned in response. I feel rather voyeuristic about now. The real Hakkai thought, which normally wasn't a pleasant feeling. He'd never enjoyed watching this sort of thing in his life, but he simply wasn't capable of looking away. The other Hakkai snuck his arms underneath Sanzo's legs and lifted them up before grabbing the lube, he put a little on his finger and then massaged it into the tight hole between those cheeks. I don't think he'd ever allow that to happen either. Hakkai thought. Sanzo's groans grew louder and more wanton as Hakkai's other self continued to suck on that length while plunging his finger into his body.

This is so wrong... so very, very wrong. He thought, but as he watched his mouth slide over the base of that cock and his finger bury it's self in that ass, he started to feel an uncomfortable warmth and tightness in his pants. This is bad. Then the fake Hakkai stopped what he was doing and pushed himself into a kneeling position, sporting a huge erection of his own. Sanzo yelled angrily in protest, and dream-Hakkai reassured him while taking off his shirt. Real Hakkai was paralyzed in his place while the false one got off the bed and walked over to where he was, absorbing him in the process. The two Hakkais were one. Then, against his will, he reached down to start undoing the buckle on his belt.

“Oh, yeah... take it all off, Hakkai!” Sanzo commanded. Hakkai's mind froze while his hand undid the button on his pants and pulled down the zipper. While he pulled his pants down he noticed the lustful glint in Sanzo's eyes, which were glued to his erection.

I wonder if he'd really look at it like that. Hakkai briefly speculated before stooping over to take off his shoes. What a strange thought. Sanzo would never do any such thing! Besides, it's not like I'd ever want to find out either.

“Hey...” Sanzo called. “Get that pretty ass of yours back over here!”

That was completely out of character. Hakkai thought. I really can't enjoy this while his personality is so far off. Then again, he'd never get a chance if the portrayal was accurate either. Not that I want to enjoy it! No, not at all... this is horrible! His body walked back over to the bed, and his hands grabbed the condom, unwrapped it, and put it on. Then he lifted Sanzo's legs and spread them in the air, thinking: There's no way the real Sanzo would ever tolerate being handled like this. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, do it!” Sanzo demanded. Hakkai inwardly grimaced at the command while his hips lurched forward and he buried his cock in that tight body. “YES!”

“Shh!” Hakkai hushed him. Oh, that's right... we're supposed to be quiet so “Gojyo” doesn't hear. The details of this mixed-up dream were awfully confusing. This is so wrong. Then he bent down over Sanzo's body and started kissing him, using his tongue to invade that mouth and keep him quiet. It was even more disconcerting when Sanzo kissed back. ...but, it feels so real. He thought, thrusting his hips into that body. It was so soft, clenching him tightly in it's burning heat. Even if this is just a dream, I'm still... doing this to Sanzo! The thought was supposed to shock him, but his body simply continued pushing relentlessly into that warmth. His lips smothered Sanzo's mouth, only allowing him a second to stop and breathe before plunging back into his mouth again.

“Hakkai... faster!” Sanzo demanded.

“I'm sorry, but... if I go faster, then you'll come faster.” Hakkai teased. He would definitely kill me... if it were really Sanzo. “Besides, I want this to last for awhile.” Then he stopped to lick at his partner's ear, and nibble on his earlobe. He was almost happy when Sanzo pulled away, at least that part seemed closer to reality. Then he stuck his tongue in that ear.

“You're really persistent today!” Sanzo complained.

“I'm sorry.” Hakkai said. “I'm not going to just let you get off like usual.” Like usual? There's nothing usual about any of this! Then he resumed thrusting, continuing to push into that thick, encircling heat. His hips moved slowly, achingly, probing the tight hole in every direction.

“How long are you... planning on...?” Sanzo asked.

Believe me, I'd stop if I could! Hakkai thought, although he was really only half serious because the feel of Sanzo's body surrounding him was so mind-numbingly realistic. He bent over then, and started planting soft kisses all over Sanzo's face. The sensation of his skin against my lips... It felt so strangely intimate and warm. This isn't funny anymore. Which belied the fact that it had never been funny to him to begin with. For some reason, he found the action of kissing Sanzo's face this way even more disturbing than anything else that had happened so far, because he felt the same way he had felt when he was really doing it to Gojyo. Is it just because of the dream that I'm forced to feel this way? His lips touched every last inch of Sanzo's face before they returned to his mouth. Is it?

His tongue dipped in between those lips to the taste of cigarettes and sake. The strange flavor piqued his interest. Gojyo doesn't taste like that... usually. It was strangely appropriate that Sanzo would, since he didn't seem to be partial to beer the way Gojyo was. What sort of trick is my mind playing on me now? He didn't have much time to think about it before his body started thrusting faster and harder into that torrid, clenching passage. That feels so... he thought. Then Sanzo started groaning into his mouth as he came, squeezing Hakkai even tighter. It was just too much, he could already feel his balls tighten in preparation for his release. Then he opened his mouth and screamed.

*****

Hakkai was awake, sitting straight up in his bed. What kind of dream...? His body was covered in a cold sweat and the fabric of his nightshirt clung uncomfortably to his skin. It's over. He sighed in relief as he held his head in one hand. Did I scream out loud? He really wasn't sure. “That was... so disturbing!” He felt like his entire body was over-heating, and he was breathless and panting for air. Then he noticed a sticky feeling in his pants, and lifted the covers to find a warm, wet mess all over the inside the crotch of his pajamas. “Gah!” That's even more disturbing! He moaned in embarrassment and hid his face in his hands. What am I going to do? I have to get up and wash this now... and that means I'll have to sleep in my clothes.

He reluctantly climbed out of bed and started removing the soiled pajamas. He really couldn't stand the feel of the damp material against his skin another minute anyway. I really need a shower. He thought, folding his pajamas in a pile before walking over to the bathroom. He waited until the water was hot before stepping in, making sure to rub his whole body down with soap and water. After he washed every last molecule of filth off of his body he leaned against the wall and let the searing liquid pour down his back. The tense muscles in his shoulders and back slowly began to relax underneath the soothing heat. That never happened. He thought, in a futile attempt to convince himself that he never had that dream. This is just... scandalous! I'll never be able to look Sanzo in the face again! He worried. Or, at least... not for a day or two. He was really dismayed at the thought even of being in Sanzo's presence.

What in the world was I thinking? He wondered, not that he had any control over his unconscious thoughts. Still, the dream was chillingly realistic and it bothered him so much that he decided that there had to be something to this dream. He just didn't have any idea what it was. Looking back over the whole thing, none of it made sense. Sanzo's request for my company, Gojyo holding a gun to his head, and then Sanzo... he stopped there, not willing to go over that part again. The memories of that dream were constantly nagging at the back of his brain, refusing to go away. It was almost like his subconscious had some strange revelation that it wanted him to pay attention to, a hidden message somewhere in the dream. If my mind is trying to tell me something, then what could it be?

He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, drying himself with the towel. Then he took his pajamas and started scrubbing them down with soap and water in the sink, because it was late at night and this inn didn't have a laundry room. The reason I wanted to talk to Sanzo was because I had nearly killed him that day. Hakkai remembered. I felt guilty about it... so maybe that's the connection. Thinking back on the events that had happened while going up against Chin Yiso, he realized that he had also felt terribly guilty for failing to protect Gojyo as well. Is this the reason you appeared in my dream this way? Hakkai wondered, seeing again the image in his mind of Gojyo holding that gun to his head. That's... an awful way to twist the truth.

When he finally finished washing the pajamas he hung them over the towel bar to dry. Then he walked back into his room, and started to put on his clothes. Even though I was not directly responsible for Gojyo's injury, I still blamed myself. He realized that in switching that injury to the one he was responsible for giving Sanzo, his mind had forced him to directly confront that guilt. It was a literal portrayal of something that was only meant to be taken metaphorically. However, that's not a fair assumption. I could never do something like that to Gojyo. Hakkai wasn't even certain he could define the reason why. It was not that he thought Gojyo weak enough that being strangled like that could kill him, but rather that Hakkai could never even bring himself to pretend to do such a thing.

Something like that, Sanzo can handle... Hakkai thought. Although it wasn't because Sanzo was physically stronger. But perhaps, on an emotional level, ...yes. I'm afraid that something like that... would end up hurting a kind-hearted person such as Gojyo. Although he was certain that Gojyo would ultimately brush it off and insist that it was no big deal as well, if only to keep Hakkai from blaming himself for it. Even so, I think Gojyo would need reassurance after something like that. Hakkai reasoned. Besides, I would never want to wound him in such a way. Honestly, he felt bad enough just for what he had done. Fooling Gojyo into thinking that he'd killed Sanzo had obviously worked quite well. It must have made him awfully worried at the time.

Having finished putting his clothes on, Hakkai felt that he would be unable to relax enough to fall asleep with all these thoughts still fresh in his mind. So he decided to go out to the kitchen and see if he could make a nice hot cup of tea to help himself relax. While walking down the hall he still felt as though there was something he was missing. That couldn't be the whole reason for the dream. It was a strange feeling that he had, as though the answer he was looking for was already close to being realized. He almost felt like it was on the tip of his tongue. What else did I miss? He wondered. Then he knew that he'd failed to find a valid reason for Sanzo's portion of the dream.

I should start with the reason I was with Gojyo that night. He thought, remembering the way he held Gojyo in his arms. I wanted so badly to make up for that time, but what does that have to do with Sanzo? It's not because... I feel the same way about them? Hakkai wondered. No, of course not! That's just silly. There were a lot of things about Sanzo that had been on his mind lately. He was certain that sorting them out would prove complicated, so he went ahead set a kettle full of water and tea bags over the stove. First things first... he thought. After the fight with Chin Yiso he felt they were closer somehow, if only because he had finally found the confidence he needed to overcome the situation. Even so, wasn't Sanzo's trust in him the catalyzing source of that strength? I need to think... he decided, trying to concentrate.

Even if that is true, I never did get to thank him for that. Of course, it was typical of Sanzo to not allow Hakkai to thank him for anything. It had always been that way. For some reason he had never wanted to hear a single word of gratitude in return for anything he'd ever done, whether it was saving his friend's life, arguing for his freedom, defending against enemies, or even risking his own life. The kettle began to whistle then, demanding his attention. He he took it off of the stove and then poured himself a cup, waiting a moment for it to cool. Those marks on your neck were really... very severe, much more than I expected. He really wanted to say something. Yet, no matter how strongly he felt about it, Sanzo wouldn't hear a single word of apology. Still, I wonder why.

In all fairness, Sanzo had given him his answer that night. Confessing to the true nature of his past, and pulling his own gun on himself like that. It was shocking. Hakkai was floored just to know that at one point in his life, Sanzo had really wanted to die. It was the most unexpected thing, and yet it all made sense now. Every selfless thing that Sanzo had done for him, all put in that perspective, ...you really felt my pain all that time, much more than you ever wanted me to know. Yet, still... you refuse to let me do anything! Sanzo did refuse to let him do anything in return. Anything in praise, or gratitude, or simply for the sake of helping or comforting him for once. Aside from that one time when he'd allowed Sanzo to cry in his arms, there was nothing.

Even that one moment was forced. Hakkai argued to himself, taking a sip of the hot tea. Sanzo never would have come to me for comfort on his own. Somehow it seemed like no matter how much he did for Sanzo, it was never enough. Not the big things like coming to visit him back when they'd been living apart and trying to be a tutor for Goku, or agreeing to come along on this journey. Certainly not the little day-to-day things like babysitting over Goku and Gojyo's constant bickering, driving everyone all over the place, doing the group's shopping, cooking their meals, and cleaning up after all of their messes. It's because... you never allow me to express how I truly feel, that's why.

Hakkai realized, this was the reason Sanzo had switched places in his dream as well. Not because he felt the same way about Sanzo as he did about Gojyo, ...or at least, I don't think I do. But really, that's not something I should even be thinking about. He reasoned that the switch had occurred because he had a desire to say something that the other person didn't want to hear. All of these repressed feelings, I suppose that is my problem. Being with Gojyo that night had solved any issues with him for the time being. However, he felt that things with Sanzo were unresolved somehow. Even so, he wasn't certain what he could do. Sanzo never wanted to hear anything emotional like that.

Hakkai took another sip of the soothing warm liquid in his cup. What can I do then? Even after staying up for minutes while sipping tea, he couldn't seem to find an answer. He really felt like he wanted to do something, after Sanzo had gone to the effort of opening up to him like that. However, there wasn't anything he had left to himself, his life was already an open book to the others in the party. Even Goku knew about his past. Even so, Hakkai never took for granted, even for a moment, that they were all so very accepting of him in spite of that. But for Sanzo, who always seems to be bound so deeply within himself... he wondered, what can you do for someone like that? Having exhausted his own knowledge of the matter, he washed his cup and headed back to bed.