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Constrained Desire, Ch .11
Title: Hold On
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: 383 (Sanzo x Hakkai) and 858 (Hakkai x Gojyo)
Summary: Sanzo has a nightmare and Hakkai tries to comfort him, but he fails because Sanzo is difficult (like always). While those two sleep in Gojyo takes care of Goku for one morning, and they draw funny pictures with crayons.
Rating: M, for subconscious violence and suggestion of rape.
Notes: This fic comes with a visual reference which is linked to in the text. (I actually made Gojyo and Goku's crayon drawings on my paint program... it was fun!) I was also thinking about using "Scared" by Three Days Grace as a theme song for the beginning of this fic, but it didn't quite fit. If you have the song, then listen to it and think about the first part of this chapter, yes?
Oh, and I'm well aware of how demented I am for writing something that starts with death and ends with shits and giggles. Haha.
As always, all comments and critiques are welcomed and cherished. <3

Young Genjyo Sanzo came down from the mountain, starting off his personal quest to claim the scripture stolen by the demons who had murdered his master. He began with an intense determination that sent chills up the spine of anyone who dared look into those piercing violet eyes. At the very least, I will not fail to regain the Seiten scripture and destroy the monsters who took his life. He told himself. After that he would take both scriptures back to the Kinzan temple. And then... his fingers tensed around the trigger of the gun held in his pocket, I will go to meet Master Koumyou Sanzo.

Ever since the moment he saw his master hold out his arms in surrender, ever since those first few drops of precious blood flew through the air, he had desired this. Looking down at the lifeless body lying on the floor with blood pooling on the hardwood and staining the white of his robes, some part of his mind still couldn't fathom why someone as strong as Master Koumyou Sanzo would so such a thing. To leave him immobilized while taking on the brunt of the attack. Succumbing to the onslaught of violence in such a way, leaving him there to carry on alone.

Part of him really thought: I'm the one who should have taken the attack. I'm the one who should have died. I'm the one who didn't matter. I'm the one who doesn't deserve... any of this! The title of Sanzo, the Maten scripture, the respect shown him by his master, these were all things he knew in his heart he had never been worthy of. Although it was true that all he had ever talked about was believing in himself, those words were all a lie. He said those things to the abbot, to the other monks, to anyone who asked. The reason for this was partly because he wanted them to be true, but mostly because Master Koumyou Sanzo believed in him.

The truth was that he didn't really believe in himself at all, but the man he looked to as a father did. Because of that he felt like he had to live up to those expectations, no matter how worthless and weak everyone, including himself, thought he was. After Koumyou Sanzo died he realized just how frail and powerless he truly was. With this person gone, all of his false belief in himself disappeared. The position of Sanzo was only something he had taken with the intention of recovering the lost scripture. ...because, it is what Master Sanzo entrusted to me. He felt he had to fulfill this one last duty. After that is over, I will simply... die. As I was meant to have died in the first place.

He began his journey with such resolution that the first few days passed by like they were nothing. All of his days were spent walking, endlessly searching the surrounding area for any signs of the group of demons he was so relentlessly pursuing. At night he would collapse wearily, only to wake again and continue the next morning. But after five days of constant traveling, without so much as a morsel of food or a single drop to drink, he had still found nothing. His stomach ached, his eyes burned, and his feet were sore and blistered from walking. He barely had any strength left.

That was when they found him. He heard the sounds of them rustling through the brush first, they weren't a skilled or covert group of bandits at all. Just a bunch of useless idiots looking to make some trouble. Then, when they got nearer, he could hear their voices muttering from behind the trees. They had obviously seen him, and were trying to decide whether to confront him or not. Cowards... he thought. When they finally decided to burst from their cover and demand that he hand over his possessions, he was ready to attack.

He landed a good kick to the first guy's stomach, and an elbow in the second one's gut, but even as he attacked them he realized that his movements were weak and sluggish. The next guy blocked his attack, grabbing his arm in the process. I don't have enough energy... Then someone came up behind him and kicked him so hard that he flew through the air, coming to a grating stop as his face and body hit the ground. He had barely picked himself up when they were back on him again, standing just a few yards away and looking down on him defiantly.

“...sheesh, causing us so much trouble...” One guy said. “I told you we'd let you go if you handed over your valuables quietly.” The man came at him with a staff, swinging it through the air. “AGHH!! You damn... BRAT!!” Although Sanzo tried to dodge it he wasn't fast enough. The rod smashed into the top of his skull, knocking him back to the ground. The wind was knocked out of him, and he nearly gagged on his own throat before he was finally able to calm down enough to breathe. Then he felt fingers clenching in his hair as he was dragged up and turned over onto his back.

“Hey, up close...” his attacker said, “his face almost looks like a girl's.” Sanzo didn't think much of the comment until the others joined in.

“Heh... that again?” One of the others asked.

“That's quite a hobby you've got.” The last one teased.

“Shut up!” the first guy said. “Just hold him down. Hurry up and finish it.”

He's going to... Sanzo thought. Perceptive as he was at his age, he didn't need anyone to tell him what this man was planning. Lying there on the ground: helpless, bruised, and beaten, the very insinuation struck terror into his heart. Then he felt the grip of that man's rough, leathery hand, tightly grasping his leg just above the ankle. That was when fear overcame his mind.

*****

A hard surface hit his side as though he'd fallen off a ledge, and he reached for the gun in his robes only to meet with the coarse texture of denim around his waist. Then he felt his robes on the floor and pulled out the gun. Holding it outstretched over his body, he aimed high above his head and shot into thin air. He was staring up at nothing, or rather, a dark little hole in the wooden planks of the inn they were currently staying at. In his mind he could still see the face of that man, the upper quarter of his head blasted open by a bullet wound near his right eye. The hand holding the gun shook uncontrollably. It was... a dream.

Sanzo didn't even hear the sound of footsteps running toward his room, or the creaking sound of the hinged before the door slammed into the wall. The only sound that finally reached his ears was a voice.

“SANZO!! Sanzo, what-?!” It was familiar, the sound of that voice. The polite, tender tone was raised in worry and fear. It was Hakkai.

It's been... so long since I've had this nightmare. He thought, recalling the last time it had happened. It's been six years. It was ten years since the real event had happened, yet he never could seem to forget the suggestive tone in that man's voice when he said that his face looked like a girl's. Will I ever get those words out of my head?

“Was it... a dream?” Hakkai asked.

“No.” Sanzo replied. It was a memory.

“A nightmare then?” Hakkai assumed. “I made some tea earlier, if you would like...”

“Fine.” Sanzo replied, reluctantly pushing the gun back into his robes.

“HEY!! What the hell's going on?!” It was Gojyo's voice, from somewhere out in the hall.

“Oh, it's alright Gojyo.” Hakkai answered. “Sanzo just had a bad dream.”

“I thought I heard the sound of his gun!”

“Apparently it was a very disturbing dream. Ahahaha.”

“Shit.... If that's all it is, then I'm goin' back to sleep!”

After that Sanzo heard the sound of Gojyo's door slamming, Hakkai's shoes knocking quietly against the hardwood floor, and the groaning of wood along with a slight metal click as door to his own room was slowly and carefully shut. He sighed and pushed himself up, fishing his pack of cigarettes out of the robe along with his lighter. He sat down by the window and lighted up, inhaling slowly and then blowing the smoke out hastily into the night air. That dream was one of those dreaded memories from his past, but even so he had to wonder: Why did I have this dream now, after all this time?

After a few more breaths he took another hit, savoring the taste of tobacco as the smoke-filled air entered his lungs. Remembering something like that... how useless. He took a few more breaths, and another hit to steady his nerves. In spite of it all, he couldn't forget the fear he felt that day. It was annoying that the dream had ended there. He wanted to remember the rage he'd felt as well, if only to silence the trembling in his chest. The dream doesn't usually end there. He thought. But the last time he had that dream, there wasn't an edge of the bed to roll off of. With a few more hits of his cigarette, he could finally feel the nicotine start to sink into his bloodstream and make it's way up into his brain. It's because of what I said to Hakkai earlier tonight, that's why.

Frustrated with the situation, his snuffed the rest of his cigarette and grabbed his clothes off of the floor. It wasn't until he'd already donned the sleeves and pulled the black top half-way over his head that it occurred to him that he would have to take them right back off the moment he decided to go to sleep. Which would be soon, because he was already tired as hell. However, he was still going to go out to the kitchen for the tea and the last thing he wanted was to feel naked after having that dream. After stuffing the end of the shirt into his pants, he put on the robe and it's chest plate along with the scripture as well. He decided that he wanted as many layers as possible between himself and the night air.

He walked down the hall even more alert than usual, if that was possible. The slightest sound of creaking wood and briefest flashes of light and movement caught his attention. Still, there was nothing in the place. Nothing but Hakkai pacing the floor in the kitchen, taking a teapot off of the stove and pouring two full cups of the steaming liquid. That comforting presence, with his continuously selfless acts of service. Even though Sanzo never said anything, he really did notice and appreciate all the little things Hakkai did for him. He sat down on one side of the table and took a sip, pulling the pack out of his robes to light another cigarette. Hakkai sat down across from him, trying not to stare too long at the angry, frustrated expression on Sanzo's face. His movements were frantic in a way that Hakkai had seldom seen in him before, which reminded him of the look in those deep purple eyes the moment he'd burst into the room. So scared... it's really not like him at all.

Sanzo didn't say a word. He looked over at Hakkai for a moment, but then abruptly looked away. It was obvious that Hakkai could tell that he was nervous about something, and he didn't like it. Above all else, he didn't want to have to explain what he'd been dreaming of that night. He felt cornered, so he buried this nervous feeling in the smoke from his cigarette and several shallow sips of the tea. It was nice, and it probably would have been very relaxing if he wasn't so tense. Somehow, nothing seemed to ease his mind right now.

Hakkai watched Sanzo carefully, taking precaution not to stare and trying not to seem overly concerned. However, he couldn't ignore this strange behavior. Something was obviously wrong. He didn't want to say anything, because he didn't want to pry. Really, the last thing he wanted was to talk about dreams after the horribly distorted illusion that he'd suffered through within his own unconscious slumber that night. If Sanzo were to ask about that... he wasn't sure what he would do. He couldn't tell Sanzo the truth, but he probably couldn't lie without Sanzo knowing it either. Perhaps, if it comes up, I'll simply omit certain details. Specifically, any details that had anything to do with him being intimate with Sanzo. He probably wouldn't want to know anyway.

After so many minutes of silence, watching Sanzo cower on the other side of the table like a wounded animal, he felt that he had to say something, if only to break the ice and perhaps loosen some of the tension in the air. After all, Sanzo was acting strangely. Although, it's even more unusual that he would fire his gun in the middle of a dream like that. It must have really... been something awful. “It's... because of that conversation we had last night, isn't it?”

It is. Sanzo agreed, although he knew that if he said so out loud in his current grouchy tone it would probably prick Hakkai's conscience and hurt his feelings. He could be pretty sensitive sometimes. At least, as far as Sanzo was concerned. Sensitivity definitely wasn't his strong suit. I wish I'd never said anything. He thought, beginning to regret the fact that he had. However, even if he hadn't said anything then: “I didn't really have a choice. I had to tell you eventually.”

“I wouldn't say that you had no choice in the matter.” Hakkai replied. “Although... I wouldn't have it any other way, really. I'm honored that you would trust me with something so personal. But, if it makes you uncomfortable, then....”

“Bullshit.” Sanzo returned. “Besides, I couldn't have you thinking that I saved you out of the kindness in my heart or anything.”

“No, I suppose not. Ha ha ha.” Hakkai happily replied. He was pleased that Sanzo was starting to act more like himself. Even so, the answer was somehow unsatisfying and the mood died quickly. Sanzo returned to the same frantic mood he'd started in. “Sanzo...” he called, waiting for the monk's eyes to meet his gaze, “was it really that bad?”

Sanzo took another hit off of his cigarette, just to postpone answering Hakkai until he could think of something to say. He really didn't want to say anything, but he knew he wasn't going to get away with that. Especially after putting a nice little bullet hole in the wall. “Yes.”

Although he was hesitant to ask, Hakkai wondered: “What was the dream bout?” What could possibly upset you this much?

You had to ask. Sanzo thought, taking another deep drag and then exhaling the smoke carelessly in front of him. “It was... a memory.”

“A memory of what?”

“Do you remember what I told you about the first guy I killed? It was that.”

“Oh, I see.” Hakkai replied stiffly. He couldn't help but think to himself: This is horrible! Sanzo is having nightmares about some ruffian who tried to rape him when he was thirteen and all I can think about is my own twisted dream about having sex with him in Gojyo's stead! He chastised himself. Really, I should be ashamed. He really did feel ashamed, watching Sanzo nervously glance about the room as if the shadows would spring up and attack him. It seemed as though the very mention of this memory made him uneasy.

The thoughts of what had happened that day were making Sanzo uneasy. Particularly those memories from his past, which had haunted him for years. That one event was only the catalyst that led to years full of death, solitude, and ultimately insanity. The malicious intent riding on that man's voice, only a euphemism for the fathomless despair that had hunted him wherever he went. Even now that it was just a memory, the chilling emptiness of that time ate a hole in his heart. “It's as though... I could still feel the grip of that hand on my leg.” He really didn't think it was possible to forget. If it was, then he would've done so a long time ago.

“Sanzo...” Hakkai said, intending to ask something. However, there simply were no words to describe what he was feeling. Listening to the haunted tone in Sanzo's voice, which was normally so self-assured, combined with worried expression on his face and the terror in those eyes. Without even thinking about what he was doing he reached over the table and touched Sanzo's hand.

Sanzo had been lost in thought, smoking his cigarette and sipping his tea alternatively. He'd just set the cup down and started taking a long soothing drag when he felt the gentle caress of fingertips against his skin. The suddenness of that contact was unexpected. His head had been turned in the other direction while staring off into space, but the warmth of that touch made him turn back to look. He raised his hand out of that grasp reflexively, and Hakkai's hand turned over and started to retreat. But before it could get away Sanzo's hand came back down, stopping it from going any further. For a moment, his fingers delicately traced the lines on Hakkai's palm. Then he realized what he was doing and abruptly pulled away.

What was that? Hakkai wondered. He looked over at Sanzo, who was avoiding his gaze again. He must be... really hurting right now. Somehow he felt responsible, after all the conversation they'd had that night was really for his benefit. Thinking back on it, he was still astonished that he'd actually managed to get Sanzo to cry in his arms. I wonder, are you still feeling... like you want something like that? “If there's anything I can do....” he offered.

“I'm fine.” Sanzo gruffly replied. Honestly, he was frustrated, but only with himself. What the hell was I doing just now? He wondered, unable to account for what was going through his mind. Even though he still felt empty and cold, yearning for the simple warmth of that touch, he was embarrassed that he'd allowed that desire to surface. I really don't want... he thought, knowing that it was the beginning of a lie. He wanted more than anything to bury his face in Hakkai's chest and feel the compassionate embrace of those arms again. He hated Hakkai for making him do it in the first place, he hated himself for actually giving in to it, and most of all he hated the fact that he was wanting it again. If I had any sense at all I would just... ask for it. But... I can't.

Hakkai almost wanted to push the issue, but he knew that Sanzo's anger was the only thing that would await him if he did. You are obviously distraught, and yet you still won't allow me to comfort you? He thought, wondering why. That thing you did with your hand in mine... are you embarrassed? It was a silly thing for Sanzo to be embarrassed about, in his opinion. It didn't have to mean anything, and Hakkai certainly didn't mind at all. There wasn't anything wrong with it. But, knowing Sanzo, it probably bothered him more than anything else. You shouldn't be ashamed. Hakkai thought. That sort of thing... is just what I'm here for. It made him sad really, thinking that Sanzo would refuse comfort for the sole purpose of preserving his stubborn pride. You aren't the only one who wants that, I really want to help you as well. For a moment he seriously considered trying to force it, but at a time like this he couldn't bring himself to do so.

Impatient with the uncomfortable situation, Sanzo finished the last few sips of his tea and put out his cigarette. He got up from his seat without a word and headed back toward his room. Hakkai called after him to say good night, and he reluctantly mumbled something back just before walking through the door and slamming it behind him. With a sigh of resignation he dropped onto his bed and pulled the pack out of his robes, intent on having one last smoke before he went to bed. That was stupid. Although, he wasn't sure if he was referring to the way he'd touched Hakkai's hand or to the fact that he was too embarrassed to ask for what he really wanted.

Sanzo lit his cigarette and sat by the window, staring out into the night sky. It was so deceptively peaceful, the way the stars glittered in the darkness and the moon hovered over the earth shedding it's silvery light. Everything was silent and still, not so much as a breeze stirred the air. On a night like this... He felt that the quiet beauty of this night was cruel in the face of the memories of the past, treacherous in it's semblance of innocence, as though hiding some dark, terrifying secret. “I'm an idiot.” he said. I should have just asked him, but... I can't say anything like that. “It would be better if this were all over.” He said, knowing that accepting Hakkai's offer of comfort would have lessened the overwhelming sense of dread.

Exhausted from the events of the day, constant interruptions to his sleep, and the persistent torment of his dreams, he put the cigarette out and started getting ready for bed. After taking off pretty much everything except his jeans and tossing it all unceremoniously onto the floor, he laid down on the mattress and pulled the covers over his body. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment and then turned onto his side, burying his head in the pillow. It didn't take a whole lot of effort for him to imagine that he was resting his head on Hakkai's shoulder instead, burying his face in the soft fabric of his shirt. For all he knew, it had only been a few hours ago. He could clearly remember how burdensome, yet liberating it had been to finally let some of those pent up emotions go.

*****

The next morning Gojyo was shocked to find that he was the first one out of bed in the morning. It was normal for Sanzo to sleep in and be lazy after waking up in the middle of the night, but not for Hakkai. Even during the times when he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep he was usually awake bright and early. He was always out in the kitchen, fixing breakfast, waiting for everyone else to show up. But this morning, when Gojyo's lazy self crawled out of bed, the kitchen was empty. “That's not right.” he muttered to himself. But then again he couldn't even remember the last time Hakkai had gotten a good night's sleep. He's been up and down every night since... when? The time Rikudo showed up? “Alright, that settles it! Hakkai's getting a good night's sleep tonight!”

Unfortunately, that left him to make something for breakfast. He looked around the kitchen for a moment before deciding to raid the fridge. There really wasn't much in there. It seemed that the inn didn't have any food at the moment, which left them with their own meager provisions. So he grabbed a couple cans of meat and potatoes, pried the lids open, and just ate it right out of the can. He was leaning against the counters and had almost finished eating the meal when a sleepy-eyed Goku hobbled out of his room, dragging the cast on his broken leg behind him.

“What's for breakfast Hakka- Gojyo?!”

“Yep. Hakkai's still sleepin' so you'll have the pleasure of tasting Gojyo's home cookin'!”

“Aw, man!” Goku cried.

“Hey! Don't act so upset about it!” Gojyo argued. “Stupid little monkey! You're lucky I'm cookin' for ya at all!”

“But... what happened to Hakkai? Why isn't he awake yet?”

“Don't you know?” Gojyo asked, looking at the dumb look on Goku's face. “Sanzo woke everybody up in the middle of the night. I can't believe you slept through the sound of that gun!”

“Did demons attack?” Goku wondered, his eyes wide with worry.

“No! He just had a bad dream. Or, at least, that's what Hakkai said.”

“Maybe I should go see him.”

“I wouldn't go bother that guy while he's sleepin' if I were you.” Gojyo suggested. Then he turned back toward the fridge and started rummaging around for something. “Besides, you haven't had anything to eat yet.” He pulled out a few odds and ends, there really wasn't much left. He ended up just throwing a bunch of things into a bowl and setting it in front of Goku. There were a few chunks of meat, but it was mostly vegetables, fruit, and noodles, all mixed in a sauce that looked like a strange combination of broth and some nameless condiment.

“This isn't food!” Goku complained.

“Just shut up an' eat!” Gojyo replied. Goku took a bite and made a face, but after he was done complaining he started eating again. Obviously it wasn't so bad that even the monkey wouldn't eat it. But then again, that wasn't much of an endorsement considering the fact that Goku would eat almost anything. Gojyo waited in the kitchen until he was done eating, got into an argument with the kid, and when it was time for him to go back to his room, Gojyo helped him hobble down the hall. It was weird with both Sanzo and Hakkai out of commission, and also strangely boring. After he'd gotten Goku back to bed he went off to look for the nearest bar. There probably wouldn't be many people there this early, but it wasn't like he had anything better to do.

As luck would have it, he did find a couple people to swindle out of their money. No pretty women to flirt with though, besides the barmaids. But that was okay, because he still got enough to buy some decent food in the market and even pick up crayons and several sheets of paper so that Goku had something to do while confined to his bed. He was really getting tired of that monkey's constant bellyaching anyway. Or at least, that was the excuse he gave himself. When he got back to the inn he put the food away first, then he went to check on Goku, who was sick of lying in bed. So he brought Goku back out to the table in the kitchen to start coloring.

By the time Hakkai finally woke up and made his way into the kitchen the table was covered with colorful drawings. Much to his surprise, Goku wasn't the only one producing them. Gojyo was also scribbling furiously on a sheet of paper. “Mine's better!” Goku said.

“No it's not!” Goyjo argued.

“Your Sanzo's arms look like coat hangers!”

“Yeah? Well, you didn't do his hair right!”

“What -are- you two doing?” Hakkai asked.

“This stupid little monkey thinks he can draw better than me!” Gojyo explained.

“That's because I CAN draw better than you, pervy water sprite!” Goku shot back.

“Fine then!” Gojyo yelled. “We'll just let Hakkai be the judge of that!” He snatched the paper Goku was working on right out from under him.

“HEY!” Goku protested.

Then Gojyo held both papers up where Hakkai could see. “There! Now tell that little monkey that mine is better!”

Not only was Hakkai put off by the awkward request, but he was also quite amused to find that both drawings looked like they'd been done by a couple of five-year-olds. Aren't you a little old to be drawing stick figures, Gojyo? He thought. Sanzo's arms really do look like a clothing hanger. Ahahaha! It was interesting that Goku actually put more detail into his drawing than Gojyo had. He really was pretty bright, all things considered. Even so, he thought it better not to humiliate either of them by saying whether he liked one drawing better then the other. “Which one was yours again?”

“Hey! Th-that's not funny damn it!” Gojyo yelled. The way he had drawn the group made it obvious which one was his, so he knew that Hakkai was just being a tease.

“Gimme that!” Goku said, snatching his drawing out of Gojyo's hands. “I wasn't done yet!”

“Yeah? Well, I'm gonna make mine even better then!” Gojyo replied, going back to work on his own drawing.

Hakkai walked closer to the table to get a better look at what they were doing. Goku stopped coloring for a moment and pointed to a round, yellow scribble on top of a few green lines with a barely perceptible scribble of white underneath it. “That's Sanzo...” he said, moving his hand over to a brown, yellow, red and white blob, “and that's me standing next to him. You're standing next to me Hakkai...” he added, pointing to a tall brown and green scribble, “and that pervy water sprite is doing something stupid over there!” He finished, pointing to a red, blue and brown mass in the upper edge of the paper. It was all Hakkai could do to keep from snickering, since the way Goku had drawn Gojyo almost made it look like he was sticking one of his hands down his pants.

“I can't get the white crayon to work!” Goku complained.

“Idiot!” Gojyo butted in. “I already told you that the white crayon doesn't work on white paper! You gotta use the black crayon to draw lines around it, like this!” Then he took the black crayon and started drawing outlines around all of the white.

“Stop! STOP! You're ruining it!” Goku cried, shooing him away.

“Hey! How come my hair looks like that?!”

“You hair looks like that because you have big ol' antennas, ya cockroach!”

“I'm not a fuckin' cockroach, ya stupid monkey!” Gojyo argued, climbing over the table to shove his palm over Goku's head. “Maybe I should draw you eating a bunch of food, since that's all you ever do!”

“Yeah? Well maybe I should draw you smoking and drinking and flirting with a bunch of girls, since that's all you ever do!” Goku shot back.

Hakkai laughed at Goku's clever comeback and abruptly turned away, walking further into the kitchen. He knew that if he stayed there he would only be closer to their yelling. After opening the fridge he found a lot of food that hadn't been there the night before. He knew, because he'd put their meager food supply away himself. “Gojyo... where did all this food come from?”

“Oh, that?” Gojyo asked, stopping in the middle of his fight with Goku to answer. “I got it earlier.”

“Sanzo gave you his card?”

“Nah, he's been asleep this whole time.”

“You stole it from him?!”

“No! I went out to the bar and there were a few idiots who were just begging to be swindled.” he said proudly. Hakkai smiled. It was really sweet of Gojyo to make the effort to take care of the group while he was asleep. If he hadn't acquired the money in such a dishonorable way, Hakkai would've been downright proud of him. “I also made breakfast for Goku.” Gojyo added.

“It was AWFUL!” Goku said.

“It can't be that awful if you ate it all, you little shrimp!”

“I only ate it because I was starving!”

It was about this time that Hakkai decided to try and tune them out in favor of making something to eat. From the looks of it he'd already slept away half the day, and in addition to being hungry himself it was about lunch time for everyone else as well. He decided to make a simple meat and vegetable stir-fry on top of a bed of steamed rice, so he grabbed the ingredients and got to work. It was actually rather relaxing to him, being able to cook while Gojyo and Goku colored and argued in the background. In fact, being able to care for the group made him happy and gave him a sense of fulfillment. He felt that in serving them he had a purpose. It was nice to feel like he belonged somewhere again, and he really did feel like he was at home with these guys.

Soon the meal was ready and he cleared the table of everyone's drawings before setting down the food. Gojyo and Goku dug right in, as usual. They both seemed very thankful to have a well-cooked meal considering that they had eaten Gojyo's food for breakfast. Hakkai set a small portion out on the counter for Hakuryu and then went to go check on Sanzo. He rapped gently on the door, waited a few seconds, and then walked in.

“Get out!” Sanzo's groggy voice commanded. I never want to crawl out of bed again.

Hakkai didn't even bother asking him if he wanted something to eat. He felt guilty enough disturbing his sleep already. So he simply obeyed the command and left, closing the door softly behind him. When he got back to the kitchen the first thing he heard was the sound of Goku's voice, asking: “Is Sanzo okay?”

“He's fine.” Hakkai replied. “However, he is still very tired.” He went to go get his food and sat down next to Gojyo at the table. Somehow, things were beginning to depress him. Because of the things he had said to Sanzo that night, he felt personally responsible for causing that dream. It made him feel even more worthless that Sanzo refused to be comforted. Perhaps I pushed him too far that night, asking all of those questions. I really didn't mean to cause him so much pain.

“Hey, 'Kai...” Gojyo said. “Somethin' wrong?”

“Oh, it's nothing.” Hakkai replied. Then he realized that he'd have to think up some excuse because he knew Gojyo would press him for a more specific answer. “I feel guilty for sleeping in so late.” The answer seemed to work, and Gojyo went back to eating his meal. Then he and Goku had the usual fight over the food, and after they finally wore themselves out Gojyo took Goku back to his room. Hakkai cleaned up the table and was busy washing dishes by the time Gojyo wandered back into the kitchen. He came up next to his side and started drying the dishes that Hakkai had finished with. “Actually, I'm very concerned about Sanzo.” Hakkai admitted. “The dream he had last night was one of the painful memories from his past, so...”

“Well, we're gonna be stuck here for awhile yet.” Gojyo said. “It'll take some time for Goku's leg to heal, so I'm sure that we'll all get rested up by the time we have to leave again. Even that bald monk will get enough sleep.”

“Yes, that's true.” Hakkai replied, although it did little to ease his conscience.

“You feel guilty?” Gojyo asked. But the way he said it, he already knew that Hakkai was feeling guilty. The real question he was asking was: Why do you feel guilty, Hakkai?

“I said some things the other night.” Hakkai explained. “I was asking a lot of questions, pushing him for answers.” Really he felt guilty about a lot of things. He was even beginning to feel bad about forcing Sanzo to cry on his shoulders that one time. Maybe I went too far. “It was because of me that his past was brought up, so I really feel like it's my fault he had that dream.”

“You know...” Gojyo began, “I don't think that Sanzo would like to hear you say something like that.” He wouldn't want you to blame yourself... and I don't want you to either.

“I guess you're right.” Hakkai agreed, smiling in relief.