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Constrained Desire, Ch .12
Title: Selfish
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: 383 (Sanzo x Hakkai) and 858 (Hakkai x Gojyo). Although, really the only pairing getting any action in this one is Hakkai x Hakkai's hands. Because I'm evil.
Summary: Sanzo finally crawls out of bed and eats dinner with the group before everyone goes back to sleep. Gojyo kisses Hakkai good night and tells him to go to bed, but Hakkai is unable to sleep so he has a little fun with himself. Then he gets up for a cup of tea and runs into Sanzo, who is also unable to sleep. They argue, and eventually go back to bed.
Rating: NC-17
Notes: All comments and critiques are welcomed and cherished. <3

By the time Sanzo finally crawled out of bed it was already very late in the afternoon, almost into the evening. He was angry at himself for having slept so long, but at the same time he realized that it was his own fault for staying in bed even after Hakkai had come to wake him up. He got himself dressed and smoked a few cigarettes by the window before going out to confront the others. As tired as he was, there was just no way he'd be able to put up with any kind of noisy arguments or insistent stupidity without having a few minutes to himself first. Even after smoking by the window for almost half an hour the hazy feeling in his head wouldn't go away. Impatient as he was, he decided to leave the room anyway.

As he walked to the door, he found a note scrawled in Hakkai's handwriting. It told him that there were leftovers in the fridge which he could warm up if he was hungry, and that the others were in Goku's room playing a game of Mah-jhong. Wanting to avoid their company as long as possible, he went straight to the kitchen to warm up his food. After he'd finished he went out to get a newspaper and then spent several hours reading in relative silence with the occasional faint sound of Goku and Gojyo's arguing down the hall. Eventually they all came out, and Hakkai cooked dinner while Sanzo was stuck trying to end the constant quarreling of the other two. The food was done soon enough and he enjoyed a few minutes of peace while Gojyo and Goku started to gobble up everything in sight.

“We'll be fine for now, but we'll need to buy some more food tomorrow.” Hakkai said. Sanzo grunted in agreement while chewing on a bite of noodles. “I was able to find a doctor in town and he said that he would come and take a look at Goku's leg within the next couple days. He's very busy, but hopefully he will be able to tell us how long we'll have to stay here until the cast comes off.”

“It can't be helped.” Sanzo replied, after swallowing the food in his mouth. “We can't go traveling around with an injured person while being attacked by youkai. He'd be an easy target.”

“Goku could probably hold his own even with a broken leg.” Hakkai mused. “However, it's nice to see you being so protective.”

“Shut up!” Sanzo yelled, embarrassed by the comment. “I was just saying- it's best not to take any unnecessary risks! Any further injuries for that stupid monkey will mean even greater delays!”

“That's true.” Hakkai agreed, with a happy smile that expressed how very silly he thought Sanzo's frustration was. Their conversation lapsed into the background as Goku and Gojyo started another quarrel, which Sanzo had to silence with his gun. Even after the meal was over the group sat at the table long into the night. Hakkai was walking back and forth, making more food, and then cleaning the dishes. Sanzo quickly got tired of the friendly banter and decided to retire to his room, if only for some peace and quiet. Taking advantage of a heated argument between the other two, Hakkai slipped from the room as well and followed Sanzo into the hall. He was about half-way to his door when Hakkai finally caught up to him, gently laying a hand on his shoulder.

“About last night....”

“I don't want to talk about it.” Sanzo gruffly replied, continuing to walk forward in a way that left Hakkai's hand hanging in the air. He'd already made up his mind. Digging through the past never accomplished anything, it was a complete waste of time.

Knowing that it was best not to push the issue when Sanzo was like this, Hakkai allowed his hand to fall back down to his side. He watched regretfully as Sanzo walked over to the door to his room. “I was worried.”

The gentle tone in Hakkai's voice was touching, but Sanzo wanted to make it clear that any further mention of the topic simply would not be tolerated. “There's nothing to worry about.” Then he walked through the door, closing it quietly, but firmly behind him.

Hakkai sighed in resignation, or was it relief? He really wasn't sure. So very stubborn... he thought, one of these days that attitude really is going to get you in trouble. Surely, someday he would say something obnoxious to a powerful enemy, and they'd all be in a bind because of it. If that day ever comes, I'm going to laugh in your face. Although, he really couldn't imagine himself having the audacity to laugh directly in Sanzo's face. Maybe I'll just snicker about it behind your back instead.

It was about this time that everyone decided to go to bed. Gojyo let Goku rest one arm over his shoulder as the two of them hobbled over to his room. Hakkai watched them thinking that it really was the sweetest thing, the way Gojyo had watched over Goku that day. Almost like a doting older brother. He waited patiently in the hall until Gojyo emerged from the room.

“Is there somethin' you wanted?” Gojyo asked.

“No, nothing in particular.” Hakkai replied. “Isn't there something that you wanted though?”

“Well, yeaaaah... to be perfectly honest.” Gojyo confessed, with a knowing smirk on his face. He really did want it, but he'd promised himself that Hakkai was going to get a good night's rest tonight, no matter what the cost. “It's okay, I can take care of myself for one night. Besides, you really need to get some rest, Hakkai.”

“I'm really not-” he started to complain, but then Gojyo leaned in closer and sealed those lips with a kiss. I'm not tired.

“Sweet dreams.” It was the end of the discussion, Gojyo went straight into his room.

Hakkai stood there in the hallway looking confused for a minute. He really didn't think that he could fall asleep, having slept in so late that day. There wasn't any better way he could think of to pass the time than sneaking into Gojyo's room, and doing... what they always did in there. However, it was a very kind thing that Gojyo was trying to do for him, and he didn't want to seem ungrateful. So, he simply wandered off into his own room. He got undressed, took a cold shower, put his pajamas on and then he laid down in bed. He really tried to go to sleep, but it just wasn't working.

This is silly... he thought, trying to ignore the swelling heat of arousal between his legs. I should just go and tell him that I can't sleep. But he knew that even if he did, Gojyo would probably send him right back to bed again. While he was in his protective phase like this, Gojyo could actually be very stubborn. Why am I wanting this so much lately? Isn't lechery supposed to be Gojyo's specialty? The fact was that he'd been wanting it much more often than usual over the last few days, it was unlike him. It was a change in his normal behavior which he simply couldn't account for. Oh, well... I suppose there's no way around it then.

He reached down into his pajama bottoms and wrapped his fingers around his own warm, swollen erection, brushing gently over the head before moving down to stroke the entire length. Ah, yes! He thought, closing his eyes. If he did it this way, he could always pretend that it was Gojyo's hand. It felt better that way. Gojyo... Thinking about him, Hakkai sped up the pace, moving his hand in quick, uneven strokes, the way Gojyo always did. Sloppy... he thought. The way you always handle me... is dirty and reckless... like you're too passionate to show any restraint. Although, I'm too polite to admit it... I truly take a great deal of pleasure... in being touched this way.

That hand moved faster and faster over his sex, sending waves of gratification though his body, making him weak in the knees. Yes, rough like that... hard and unprincipled... He was already gasping for air when the words whispered breathlessly from his lips: “...Go-jyo... G-Gojyo!” The heat built up inside of his body, persistently aching for something... something to touch him there, to hit that spot. Hastily, he pulled his pants down and turned over onto his side, inserting his finger through the puckered opening and into his rectum. “Unf...!” he groaned softly, in spite of his resolve to keep quiet. The feel of that finger inside him was so intensely satisfying. Just a little more... His hand kept moving, stroking up and down his heated length, mercilessly.

All I need now is... that thing Gojyo does with his tongue. Hakkai thought. In absence of having Gojyo's tongue, he let go of his cock for a moment and stuck his thumb into his open mouth, licking it all over until it was covered with a copious amount of saliva. Then he brought it back down, swiping it back and forth across the sensitive area on the underside of his head. That's it...! “Yes... Gojyo!” Then he came, his whole lower body throbbing as it squeezed the searing fluid through his groin and then up out of his body. He pulled his finger out of his ass, freeing up the strain on his arm. The other hand coiled around the base of his member as his muscled contracted, squeezing every last drop out onto the sheets. Ah, that... that was good.

He laid there stiffly, waiting for his heart to stop racing while he tried to catch his breath. His body was somehow dripping with sweat, and there was a warm puddle of semen on the edge of the bed. This is bad. He thought. How am I going to clean this up? His head was still clouded with passion. Try as he might, he couldn't think of anything. After resting for a few minutes more he finally got the throbbing in his body to stop, and his heart rate back down. Then he vaulted off the bed, so as not to get stuck in his self-made puddle of goo. “What am I going to do about this?” he asked himself, pulling his pajamas back into place.

Of course, the first thing would be to remove the fitted sheet that had been the unfortunate victim of his self-indulging moment of weakness. He un-tucked it from the four corners of the bed, and made sure that the pillow, blanket, and other sheet were all out of the way before carefully whisking it off in such a way that he didn't spill anything onto the floor. Then he crumpled it together and tied it up into a nice, round ball so that the mess was at the center and everything on the outside was clean. After that he used the plain sheet in place of the fitted one, tucking the corners under the bed. He replaced the pillow by the headboard, and laid back down. Even then, he still couldn't seem to fall asleep.

“I really shouldn't have slept in so late.” he chastised himself. All this energy, and nothing to do with it. Instead of feeling tired, like he knew he should, he almost felt like bouncing off the walls now. Nothing good will come of this. He couldn't think of anything productive to do, and was afraid that he'd made a big enough mess of his bed already. Maybe if I had just one hot cup of green tea, then I could relax. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, he leapt out of bed and stood on the floor. He walked out to the kitchen, prepared his tea, and he was just sitting down to drink it when the front door opened and Sanzo walked in to the room, followed by a rapidly dissipating cloud of cigarette smoke. Hakkai smiled and said: “I take it, you couldn't sleep either.”

Sanzo stood there, motionless as a statue for a moment while the smoke swirled around him and out the open door he'd just walked through. He was annoyed, really. The last thing he'd expected was for someone to be here when he came back in. Of course he hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been up for hours, reading and smoking, trying to find some way to pass the time. At one point he had actually tried laying down, but his mind simply wasn't tired. He'd slept through most of the day and once again felt completely restless at night. Instead of answering Hakkai's question, he simply grunted and closed the door behind him.

Noticing the scowling expression on his face, Hakkai asked: “Have I upset you somehow?”

“I'm not angry... with you.” Sanzo blankly stated, walking quickly through the kitchen toward the hall that led to the bedroom doors.

“If that's true, then...” Hakkai began in a pleasant tone, but then changed abruptly to a more serious command. “Don't avoid me.”

Sanzo exhaled sharply, and smiled in a sarcastic way that meant he was really getting ticked off. He simply wanted to avoid any mention of his past, whatsoever. Why did Hakkai have to prove himself to be so difficult? “Your personality has really taken a turn for the worst.” he commented. However, he wasn't really trying to avoid Hakkai at all. To prove it, he walked back over to the table and pulled out the nearest chair, right around the corner from the spot Hakkai currently occupied. He sat down and glared defiantly into the young man's eyes startled green eyes while putting out his cigarette in the nearest ashtray. You happy now, Hakkai? “What do you want?”

An interesting question... Hakkai thought, wondering to himself: What do I want from you, Sanzo? “I really... just wanted to know that you weren't upset with me.”

“Tch... idiot.” Sanzo said. Why would I be upset with you? I shouldn't even have to say this! Feeling frustrated, he pulled the ever-present pack of Marlboros out of his robe along with a lighter. Then he drew another cigarette out of the pack and lit up. Really, he hated being awake this late. Especially so many nights in a row. It was beginning to remind him of that time when he first arrived at the Keiun temple, haunted by nightmares of his past and unable to sleep. Being up all night, the light of the moon shining brightly through his window, weighing on him so heavily that even while he was awake he had no peace of mind. “I'm not a night-owl. If you've got anything else to say, make it quick.”

“I actually wanted to ask you...” Hakkai paused, considering again whether he really ought to be saying this or not. But he had been wondering ever since the other night why Sanzo had touched his hand that way. It wasn't like him. “...were you really wanting me to comfort you last night?” Or... am I just deceiving myself?

The very sound of the question made Sanzo angry. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't... he thought, getting really annoyed. “If I wanted something like that I would ask for it!”

“Would you?” Hakkai asked, glancing slyly over at his companion while casually sipping at his cup of tea. I wonder...

Sanzo sighed and turned the other way. Hakkai had him this time. Hakkai had him right where he wanted him, and he hated it. He took another hit to calm his nerves. As he exhaled the smoke out into the air, he closed his eyes and allowed some of the tension he was feeling to simply float away with it. Hakkai watched in curiosity as the rigid expression of anger on his face loosened into what could only be described as a jaded, melancholy look. I really did want that... Sanzo admitted to himself, but, what point is there in acknowledging this now? The time for something like that has already passed. He decided that he wasn't going to say anything. Knowing Hakkai, he was probably already able to read the expression on his face as clearly as though he'd been thinking out loud anyway.

“I'm tired.” he stated, and then he got up and went to bed. Hakkai let him go without saying a single word. He already knew what he had wanted to know.

*****

The next morning, for the first time in many nights, everyone woke up refreshed after having a good night's sleep. Even Hakkai and Sanzo, after staying up late, were eventually able to go to bed for the night and get enough rest. Hakkai was up first in the morning and had breakfast ready before anyone else even so much as stirred from their rooms. Then came Goku and Sanzo, all before Gojyo got his lazy self out of bed. Company at the table was cheerful and lively as usual, and after it was over Sanzo handed his credit card to Hakkai so that he and Gojyo could go out shopping while he stayed at the inn with Goku. Doing the shopping was fine with Hakkai, and it went well at first, but after several minutes out in the open square his mind started to wander.

There was this feeling of uncertainty, as though there were so many conflicting thoughts in his head that he simply couldn't make sense of them at all. He also felt like so much had changed lately. It was strange, but he didn't feel like he was the same person anymore. In a way, he supposed that he really wasn't. Having finally put the guilt from his past away, he felt like a new man somehow. This feeling of not doubting himself at every turn was something that he simply hadn't gotten used to yet, even after days of feeling this way. He supposed that it was simply something that was going to take time.

However, something else was bothering him. He felt that his relations with Sanzo had become oddly strained lately, and he knew that this was partly due to that change. The person that he was before never would have been so insistent, so intent on proving himself or having Sanzo see things his way. Even thought he was doing it out of concern, he felt very selfish somehow, and then he wondered: Is this the way Sanzo feels? After considering the monk's earlier remarks, it was quite possible. You said, you saved me selfishly... and in a way, I held you selfishly that night. You didn't want me to comfort you, I didn't want you to save me. I wanted to die back then, and just a few nights ago you wanted... to just keep hurting. It was strange, to think of it this way. Are we the same?

“Hey, Hakkai!” It was Gojyo's voice, just a few feet to his side. “What's wrong with you? Are you spacin' out or something?!”

Hakkai looked up at Gojyo with a rather embarrassed expression on his face. “I'm sorry.”

“You've been staring at that piece of fruit long enough! Are we gonna buy that thing or not?”

“Oh, this?” Hakkai asked, realizing that Gojyo was talking about the peach he was holding in his hand. “Ah, it seems to be ripe enough.” he threw it into the basket he was carrying and then continued with what he was doing, focusing on getting the things he'd came here for.

So much has changed since that time... he thought. But really, it's just that I've changed, isn't it? Sanzo really hadn't changed at all, even though his knowledge of what happened in Sanzo's past certainly had. That was really the biggest part of the issue. The things he'd done and said over the past few days had completely confounded any assumptions that Hakkai had ever made about the man. He'd always looked up to Sanzo, viewing him as someone who was strong and self-assured. However, in light of recent events he couldn't help but realize that Sanzo had his own set of doubts and weakness.

Not that he was ever under the illusion that Sanzo was faultless. Quite the contrary, he was well aware many negative aspects of the priest's blunt, belligerent character. However, it was still astonishing to him that at one point in Sanzo's life, he had actually wanted to die. Somewhere, underneath his coarse, unyielding exterior, there was doubt, fear, and perhaps even a lingering sense of worthlessness. At one point in his life, Sanzo had completely and utterly despised himself. Surely, something like this would come as a shock to anyone who knew the man.

Hakkai felt that in knowing these things, it was as though his eyes were finally open. Like they had somehow been closed, shut to the truth all this time. It was almost as if he had been blind. But, only in one eye. He thought, laughing ever so faintly. Really, that is a bad joke... even though, he did believe the analogy was appropriate, I think that saying something like that out loud would offend someone. Particularly Gojyo or Sanzo. He couldn't imagine either of them being terribly amused if they heard it. But it's true, that I really haven't been paying full attention, he thought. I have always been so focused on proving myself, that I never really stopped to consider how Sanzo might feel. I wondered about it all this time, but my own vision... my constant dwelling on the past, it blinded me... partially... at least. Now that I know the truth... what do I think?

When he considered the reason he had wanted to be around Sanzo before, to serve him as a means of compensating for all that he had given him, things really had changed since then. He didn't feel indebted to Sanzo anymore. However, that still doesn't mean that I don't want to be here. In fact, after all Sanzo had said to him, revealing a secret that he had kept locked away in his heart like that, really what I want, is to share the burden of that pain you bare... and help lift it if I can. Is it inappropriate for me to think this way? He wondered, By your estimation, Sanzo... is my behavior toward you... becoming selfish? Even if that were true, Hakkai thought that it might be better that way, for both of them. You no longer... have to be selfish on your own.