InsaneJournal

Current mood:

exhausted

Constrained Desire, Ch .13
Title: Hold Nothing
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairings: 383 (Sanzo x Hakkai) and 858 (Hakkai x Gojyo)
Summary: Hakkai and Gojyo get back from shopping. Hakkai realizes that he is falling for Sanzo, Gojyo comforts him, and they start kissing. Sanzo and Goku come out of their room and break it up. Sanzo notices that there is something weird about Hakkai, but Gojyo saves Hakkai from having to explain himself. Later on they go out to dinner, and afterwards Sanzo demands an explanation.
Rating: PG13
Notes: All comments and critiques are welcomed and cherished. <3

“HAKKAI!!” Gojyo yelled.

“GAH!” Hakkai jumped, dropping the basket he was carrying. A several pieces of fruit keeled tumbled all around his feet.

“I've been calling you for a long time now! What the hell?!” he bent over to pick up the mess Hakkai had spilled.

“I'm sorry,” Hakkai replied, looking down at what Gojyo was doing. There were over a dozen peaches on the ground.

We don't need this many peaches... Gojyo thought. There's nothing he could possibly make with that many. “There's definitely something wrong with you.”

“I was... just thinking about something.”

“Usually when you're “just thinking about something” you don't buy a whole basket full of fuckin' peaches!”

“Ah... I might've become a bit distracted,” Hakkai shamefully admitted.

“Ya think?!” Gojyo said, picking up the last of the things. He kept about eight of them and put the rest back on the stand they'd originally come from. “All right, out with it! What's going on in that twisted mind of yours?!”

“Actually, I'd rather not talk about it now. Perhaps when we get back to the inn.” he suggested, paying the merchant and then moving on to the next stand.

“Ya weirdo.” Gojyo muttered, reluctantly following after him. There were still a few things they needed to get at the market, but after they finally had everything that they came for they went straight back to the inn. After setting everything down on the table they both started stuffing things into the fridge and filling the cupboards. “All right, spill!”

“I already did,” Hakkai joked. “Ah ha ha ha.”

“I'm not talkin' about that!” Gojyo complained, wondering how Hakkai could joke so easily. “Just... what the hell were you thinking back there, anyway?”

“This is going to sound all wrong, but... lately, I can't stop thinking about Sanzo,” Hakkai explained, Gojyo stopped what he was doing and looked over at him, arching an eyebrow. Hakkai continued without noticing. “There was something about the way he stood up for me in front of Chin Yiso, and then... something he said later that night, which has really changed my perception of him. It's so confusing. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. It's gotten to the point where I've even started to dream about him.”

Then, for some inexplicable reason, Gojyo started laughing. Hakkai turned to look at his mirthful companion and Gojyo's laughter came even harder, almost to the point where it looked as though he would fall over and start rolling around on the floor.

“Did I say something funny?” Hakkai asked, wondering why Gojyo was laughing at something that he was completely serious about instead of laughing at his joke about spilling the peaches.

“I can't believe it!” Gojyo chuckled. “Well... it's about damned time! I was wondering how long it would take you to finally confess that you'd fallen for the guy!”

“I-I did what?!” Hakkai asked, more startled than anything. He should've known that Gojyo would take something like that the wrong way. “That's not what I meant.”

“Aw, come on Hakkai!” The hanyou countered. “Ya really didn't think I'd notice? Ever since you first moved in, at every sign of trouble, you were always off to Sanzo's temple!”

“But, Gojyo... that's not the reason-”

“Like when Banri came around, remember that?”

“Please don't bring up that low-life. I can't believe you actually allowed him to become your lover!”

“You really hated that guy, didn't ya? Hey, it's like I always tell ya, we were really just “friends with benefits” and not--.”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Fine, fine... but I'm still not gonna drop the thing about Sanzo. I'm sure ya had yourself convinced that you were only over there because you wanted to thank him for what he did for you, but that still doesn't explain how you're always hangin' off the guy! Even back then you were always inviting him and Goku over for dinner, and...”

“That's because they were the only other people around that I knew.”

“Geez... you're really gonna be stubborn about this aren't ya? You can tell me, ya know.” Gojyo said, with a wink. “I won't tell the pissy monk.”

“Gojyo,” Hakkai replied, in that exasperated tone which said that Gojyo was just hopeless.

“It's really not the little things like that, anyway.” Gojyo continued. “It's just... the way you look at the guy, and the way you talk with him sometimes...”

“Do I... look at Sanzo strangely?” Hakkai wondered.

“I wouldn't say “strangely” it's just--” he glanced into Hakkai's face and then decided that he'd gotten it all wrong. He had thought that Hakkai was just in denial it at first, but now he realized that he was serious. “Ya know what? Never mind.” Then he turned and walked away. That was pretty stupid, projecting my fantasies onto Hakkai like that.

Hakkai wondered if he really did talk to Sanzo in a way that made it look like he was interested in him. For some reason, he was seriously disturbed by that thought. Come to think of it, I've never really allowed myself to even consider being attracted to him. Of course, that didn't necessarily mean that what Gojyo said was true. But, if I've really never thought about it... then how would I know? Either way, Gojyo's accusations were unduly unnerving to him. After all, Gojyo was the type of person who would know something like that. Not that Gojyo was particularly observant, but his gaydar was hardly ever wrong. He could spot someone who was interested in him across a crowded bar even if the lights were low and he was nearly wasted.

Do you really think I have a thing for Sanzo? Hakkai wondered. No, that can't be... you were just joking, right? Just teasing me... and trying to get under my skin, I'm sure. Really, he wasn't sure at all. He was already aware that he came off as being partial to Sanzo; the word 'clingy' had even been used. But that's only because he's the one that saved my life! The last time he'd said something like that, Gojyo had pointed out that he had saved Hakkai's life too, but Hakkai didn't treat him the same way he treated Sanzo. To which Hakkai had replied that it was because Sanzo was different. It's just that attitude of his, along with the words he said that day....

But really, it was the way Sanzo had taken responsibility for him, without the slightest hint of doubt. Hakkai hadn't thought much of it back then, because he'd barely known Sanzo at that point. To take me in like that... without so much as even a false, face-saving complaint. It isn't like him. It was like Gojyo to pick something up out of the dirt, or for Goku to naïvely trust someone based on his child-like sense of right and wrong, but for someone like Sanzo to save another person like that was unusual. It surely meant something, although he wasn't entirely certain what it meant. Knowing that Sanzo had once been through a similar experience shed some light on the often-revisited subject. Still, he felt there was something missing.

Loneliness. Try as he might, and Sanzo certainly did, that was one thing he couldn't hide from Hakkai. I, who have known loneliness since my earliest memories of life... did you truly believe that you could conceal this truth from me? He didn't fault Sanzo for trying to hide it, he simply thought it was counter-productive. In the same way, rejecting help only served to make things worse. Just as you're rejecting people, always keeping them at arm's length.

That was really the heart of the problem: Sanzo's rejection of help and companionship, his underlying fear and insecurity. Most people would probably never see that side of him, but Hakkai saw all of those things quite clearly. It's because of this that I've never even allowed myself to consider... what? By now it was obvious to all parties considered that he wanted -something- from Sanzo, but even if that something was only a closer friendship. However, getting close to Sanzo in any way was nearly impossible. This is exactly the issue with him. How can I even consider having an interest in someone who can't even properly acknowledge a friend? It was a decent question, but unfortunately it was also one which lacked a reasonable resolution.

Yet, the bond we share is undeniably strong. There was no doubt that the ties between them were thick, even compelling at times. But not because of any attraction... Hakkai thought. It was because they both knew the agony of losing a person who had been the whole world to them. Then, the guilt-ridden terror of taking innumerable lives for an entirely selfish purpose. The two of us are nothing more than a pair of vindictive murderers, he thought. Gojyo and Goku, who had only killed to protect themselves, were relatively innocent in comparison. Sanzo and I were people who, under no influence other than our own frail judgment... killed so many, intentionally and without regret. For this, both of our hearts and souls are truly... black.

He'd also learned recently that they shared in the absolute anguish that it took to make a person prefer dying over living. Hakkai knew that he could never forget the way it felt, no matter how much stronger he'd become or how many ways he'd found to leave the past behind. He could still remember lying in the mud and wishing for nothing more than death, as though the very fires of hell would be a respite in comparison with the searing pain inside his heart. It was haunting for him to think of Sanzo giving in to such despair. Although he could picture the way Sanzo had held that gun to his head, the image still felt unreal. Do you really think so little of yourself? Hakkai wasn't sure whether Sanzo still thought of himself that way or not. Either way, the fact remained that at some point in the past, they had both wanted to die. Because of this, the bond we share is... irrevocable.

There were times when Hakkai thought that Sanzo might be the only one who was truly capable of comprehending what was going through his mind three years ago. Whether he wanted it or not, they shared this understanding. As much as he tried to downplay it in front of Gojyo, or even in order to easy Sanzo's discomfort with emotion, he couldn't deny it. The connection they had was meaningful, intimate, and immeasurably deep. Is it wrong to feel this way about someone who is “just a friend”? Hakkai wondered. Does this sort of thing... somehow transcend friendship and become something else entirely? Now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure that it was appropriate to have such strong feelings for a friend. If there is a line between friendship and... something more... where would it be drawn, and how would I know whether I've already crossed it?

Hakkai was very confused. If there was a line, then it was fuzzy and lacked any sort of meaningful definition. Like most people, he'd often assumed that sexual attraction was the defining factor. However, a relationship based solely on that merit had little, if any value in his eyes. What Hakkai sought, what he had always looked for in a companion, was a meaningful emotional connection. Sex, although it played an important part, was only an extension of that. To want to be closer to someone... he thought, realizing that he really did want to be closer to Sanzo. Although he still wanted to deny it with every fiber of his being he knew: Gojyo was right!

No... wait. He can't be right! His mind wandered over the dream he'd had a few nights ago, in which he'd taken Sanzo to bed. I don't want that with Sanzo! The idea of being physically intimate with him was simply unbearable, but even as he thought about that Hakkai realized that he didn't mean it. Sanzo wasn't repulsive to him in any way. What I want is... As his mind sought out an answer, there came another memory from a few nights back: The feel of Sanzo's finger tracing the cleft in his hand. His face reddened. Not only at the memory, but at its implications. Not only had he enjoyed the few brief moments of that touch, he also wanted more. Holding hands is... something that friends do, right? It's not... something that is only done by lovers. However, he knew that sort of thinking was desperate. I'm really... in denial!

“This is horrible!” he yelled out loud. I can't be falling for Sanzo! Not now... not after all this time! It didn't make any sense. Unless, as Gojyo had suggested, he had really felt that way for three years. There's just no way... he thought, although it had been true that he had wanted to be closer to Sanzo back then as well. But even back then, you were already pushing me away. When he thought about it that way, he realized that he had always held back because he knew that Sanzo didn't want to get any closer to him. “Curse you and your emotional constipation, Sanzo!” he cried, pounding a fist into the counter. If you had only acknowledged me in some way... then maybe I wouldn't feel like this. Unfortunately, he realized that this assumption wasn't valid either.

“Hakkai?” Gojyo's voice drifted from down the hall. He walked out of his room and out into the kitchen. “You all right?”

“Yes, I'm fine,” Hakkai replied, putting on the best smile he could manage.

“I thought I heard somethin',” Gojyo said, looking around. “Well, I guess you finally got the groceries put away.”

“I did?” Hakkai asked, turning to the side to look over the table. It was empty, of course. He couldn't even remember where he'd put everything.

“You really are out of it today, aren't ya?” Gojyo asked, walking up to give him a pat on the back.

“I think... you might be right.”

“Yep, I'm always right!” Gojyo cheerfully replied. Then he realized that something was going on, and he might have taken that comment in the wrong context. “Um, Hakkai... what am I right about again?”

“Gojyo!” Hakkai moaned, hanging his head. You really are hopeless, aren't you? “That thing you said earlier... about me falling for Sanzo.”

“Oh, right! About that: I was really jus'--” he stopped short when he saw the solemn expression on his face. “Hey... you're serious about this, aren't ya?”

“This is awful, Gojyo! What am I going to do?”

“Well...” Gojyo trailed off. Then he turned around and lifted himself up to sit on the edge of the counter, pulled a cigarette out of his pack, and lit it up. “You should probably tell 'im, right? 'Cause you know Sanzo... if you don't say anything, he'll probably figure it out.”

“You're right!” Hakkai agreed, leaning over the counter in exasperation. But... how can ever I tell him about something like this?

“Hakkai...” Gojyo called, waiting to make sure he had his full attention.

“Yes?”

“This... isn't gonna change anything between the two of us, is it?”

“No.” Hakkai immediately replied. “Or at least, I don't think so,” he added, realizing that he'd been presumptuous. Maybe Gojyo was bothered by the fact that he was attracted to Sanzo. “I certainly don't want for anything to change between the two of us.”

“Good.” Gojyo said with a pleased smile. “'Cause I don't want anything like that to happen either.”

“Gojyo...” Hakkai said. That was so very like him, to simply brush something like that aside as though it didn't even matter. He had almost expected for Gojyo to be angry at him, or maybe even hurt, but instead he was completely supportive. I'm really... very spoiled, he thought. Then he grabbed Gojyo's shirt and pulled him down off of the counter, straightening himself up in the process. His lips captured Gojyo's mouth, and then he started plunging in deeply with his tongue, passionately tasting every inch of the earthy, sensuous flavor. Thank you, Gojyo! Thank you so much for always being... so very kind, gentle and accepting of me. Gojyo's arms circled around him, and his tongue danced inside his mouth. Hakkai kept kissing back, moving his hand up to run his fingers through those crimson locks. They were completely oblivious when a door creaked open down the hall.

Sanzo stepped out into the corridor, holding the door open while waiting for Goku to limp across the room. Growing impatient over the wait, he turned and looked into the kitchen. That was when he saw them. What the fuck? He couldn't believe the sight that met his eyes. Making out... in the middle of the god-damned kitchen?! Goku was getting close to the door, so Sanzo drew his gun and fired into the air above his head. The loud bang of the shot startled everyone.

“IDIOTS!!”

Both Gojyo and Hakkai stopped kissing and stared down the hall at Sanzo like a couple of deer staring into at the headlights of an oncoming car.

“Sanzo, what's going on?” Goku asked, limping within inches of the doorway. Hakkai and Gojyo panicked, frantically untangling themselves from each other and putting plenty of space between their bodies before Goku got close enough to see them.

“Nothing. Just... keep walking,” Sanzo answered.

Goku hobbled through the doorway and stared down the hall, noticing nothing unusual except for the way Hakkai and Gojyo were slumped over the counter.

Sanzo closed the door and then hurried past Goku and right up to the counter. When he got there he stopped just short of the bar and glared angrily at both of them. His indignant gaze finally settled on Hakkai. “Didn't I tell you that I didn't want to see anything?!”

“Hey, there's no need to get angry!” Gojyo said. He came to Hakkai's rescue by leaning closer and diverting Sanzo's attention. “You aren't jealous by any chance, are ya?”

“Perverted kappa!” Sanzo yelled, smacking him over the head with his paper fan. He stood there fuming for a moment while Goku edged closer, and then he looked back over at Hakkai. “What did you tell that idiot?”

Hakkai froze in sheer horror. “I... um... I-I didn't--”

“It was just a joke!” Gojyo yelled, rubbing his head.

“Hey, what's going on!” Goku demanded. “You guys are actin' weird!”

“Go sit at the table, baka saru!” Sanzo yelled, whacking him over the head with the paper fan as well.

“Hey, that hurt! You're gonna make me fall and break my other leg!” Goku whined.

“Cute bastard,” Gojyo said, looking at Sanzo. Hakkai glanced over at Gojyo in shock. Not because he was surprised by the comment; Gojyo often said things like that. It was because, for the first time, he realized that he actually agreed. Gojyo turned his grinning face to look at Hakkai, and they stared at each other for a moment. Then they they both burst into full-blown laughter.

“What the hell--?” Sanzo wondered, looking back at them. Now they're laughing at me? “You guys really wanna die?!”

“No, not really!” Hakkai replied, trying to cover his mouth as best he could.

“We'll stop, we'll stop!” Gojyo added, managing to look afraid somehow in spite of the fact that he was still laughing.

Sanzo just sighed and walked over to the table, sitting down across from Goku. He set down the crayons and paper so that Goku could color while he sat and read a newspaper. Gojyo and Hakkai slowly wandered out from behind the counter and over to see what was going on. Then a rare thing happened: Sanzo's stomach growled. He put the paper on the table and looked down at his stomach curiously. “Hn... it's been a while since breakfast,” he muttered, getting up and walking to the fridge.

“Hey, Hakkai... are you gonna make lunch?” Goku asked.

“I suppose I probably should get started,” Hakkai answered. “It's a little late... but we just got back from shopping, so I didn't have the time to start sooner.”

“What the fuck?!” Sanzo yelled, peering into the fridge.

“Is there a problem?” Hakkai asked.

Sanzo grabbed something out of the fridge and then peered into a cupboard. “What idiot put the food away?!”

“I put it away myself.”

“There are closed cans of tuna in the fridge and ripe peaches in the cupboards!” he complained, turning around with one in each hand. The way he glared at Hakkai clearly communicated that he thought the young man was lying to him about something.

“I can explain...” Hakkai said, trying to quickly think up some rational excuse for his behavior that didn't involve the truth in any way.

“Hakkai's not feeling good today!” Gojyo said, walking over and patting him on the back. “Isn't that right, Hakkai?” he asked, with a wink.

“I-- um...” Hakkai muttered, startled by the suddenness of Gojyo's actions.

“He got a little winded after we were done shoppin'.” Gojyo continued. “I think he might've picked up some kind of cold walkin' around all those people!”

“Is that so?” Sanzo asked, looking both annoyed and unconvinced at the same time.

“Yeah! In fact, you should probably go lie down now, Hakkai!” Gojyo said, pushing him in the direction of their rooms. Hakkai almost stumbled over his own two feet, and then they both started running toward his bedroom door.

“Hey! Don't think you can get away with a lame excuse like that!” Sanzo yelled after them. “Get back here you--” They both ran into the room and the door slammed behind them. “--bastards.”

Hakkai had fallen down onto his bedroom floor while Gojyo leaned against the door, as though barricading it from Sanzo with his body. “Whew! That was a close one!”

“He really-- had me on the spot... a couple times.” Hakkai panted. “Wouldn't it have been awful if he had found out?”

“Oh yeah, that woulda been scary!” Gojyo agreed. “Did you see the look on that guy's face? He was fuckin' pissed! Hehehe!”

“Thank you for covering for me,” Hakkai said, although he felt the words inadequate to explain the true extent of his gratitude.

“For you Hakkai, I'd do it any time,” Gojyo said, giving him a playful wink. Hakkai smiled up at him and then they both relaxed. Gojyo finally pulled away from the door and Hakkai grabbed into a table and pulled himself up onto his feet.

“Gojyo...” Hakkai began, wanting to stop the jokes and talk seriously for a moment. “Are you really all right with this?”

“Hm?” Gojyo asked, looking confused. Then he remembered what they were talking about. “I don't really have room to complain about you having a crush on the dirty monk while I'm out bangin' the girl next door, Hakkai.”

“Yes, but... that's different. It's not like you actually love any of those women.”

“You're not sayin'... that you're actually in love with Sanzo, are ya?”

“Wha--? N-NO!!” Hakkai nervously replied. “I-I mean, it's probably too early to tell....” Even though I've known Sanzo for a long time, it's not as though I've always been aware of those feelings. “I was just saying that it's not the same, because...” He paused for a moment to regain his composure and consider his words. “Either way you look at it, Sanzo means something to me. It's not like the way you are with women. Doesn't that bother you?”

“Tch, are you kiddin' me? I've been wanting to get into that guy's pants ever since the day I met 'im!”

“Gojyo...” Hakkai sighed. Really, you are incorrigible. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Gojyo's chest, hugging him tightly. There weren't enough words to describe how thankful he was to have someone like that. “I just.... I wonder...” Even if you're all right, I think that Sanzo's going to be very upset when he finds out. “What if this changes everything?”

“Nah, I don't think that'll happen. It'd take something really big to change everything, right?”

“This is pretty big... at least, to me.”

“Hakkai...” Gojyo began, stopping for a moment to try to find the right words to the question forming in his mind. “What're you so... afraid of?”

Rejection, I guess, Hakkai thought to himself. But realistically, he was expecting Sanzo to reject him. Hoping for anything better than that would be foolish. What really bothered him the most was the thought: What if Sanzo doesn't want to be around me anymore after this? “I suppose I'm afraid that... learning of my feelings will bother Sanzo.”

“He's a tough guy,” Gojyo pointed out. “He'll get over it, yeah?”

“Gojyo...” Hakkai looked at him, and smiled with genuine warmth. Not only because Gojyo was right, but because he cared. He straightened his body and used his tongue to prod into Gojyo's mouth, savoring the taste of him with long passionate strokes until Gojyo pulled away.

“Ya think that maybe, later on tonight, we could...?”

“Yes.”

Then Gojyo's mouth widened into a disarming smile. “For now, I think... I'll go out and face that stinking monk. You stay here and relax, okay?” Hakkai nodded in agreement, while Gojyo stepped out the door. Just before closing it behind him he turned around and said: “Hey Hakkai, stay in bed and act like you're sick! My ass is on the line, here!”

“Well, I certainly wouldn't want anything to happen to that.” Hakkai cheerfully replied.

“Tch... and people think I'm the pervert,” Gojyo complained, just before shutting the door.

Hakkai lay back on the bed, thinking that Gojyo was really very smart when he needed to be. He'd certainly saved him from what could have potentially been a complete disaster. Also, it really was better if he stayed away from the others for a while, at least until he could clear his head. Sanzo already knew that something strange was going on with him, and it wouldn't be long before he demanded an explanation. It was sweet of Gojyo to protect him, but Hakkai still didn't know what he was going to say when the time came. I suppose I'm going to have to word things carefully... he thought. But really, how can I explain this? He couldn't seem to find a solution. The more he thought about it, the less certain he was that phrasing his thoughts in any one particular way was a good idea. None of the words he could think of really seemed to fit.

Even if I don't know what to say, I have to say something, right? Hakkai wondered. He didn't think that he'd really be able to get away with telling anything less than the truth. Sanzo could tell when he was lying, when he was nervous, and even when he was holding something back. I suppose, the least I could do is tell him the truth. Don't I owe him that much? Of course, he wasn't sure what kind of reaction he expected to get from the truth. He was quite certain that whatever it was, it wouldn't be pretty. It was all too obvious that Sanzo wasn't interested in anyone, and Hakkai was afraid that even admitting his feelings would make the monk uncomfortable.

He was reluctant to say anything, but he simply couldn't lie. Sugar-coating the truth in any way was also out. It would only serve to frustrate the impatient priest and make him angry. If Sanzo's going to reject me anyway, then I suppose that the exact wording I use really doesn't matter. Hakkai finally decided. But he was worried that even an honest admission would incite Sanzo's legendary fury. When he thought about it like that, he really just wanted it to be over already.

Even if my feelings are rejected... it does no good to deny them, does it? The last thing he wanted was to start dragging a lot of emotional baggage around again. Especially right after he'd finally slipped from the clinging grasp of his past guilt. All the conflict that I feel inside myself right now... is because I'm in denial, he reasoned. If that was true then he knew that accepting his true feelings would at least bring some relief. So, I should just stop fighting against it, right? The assumption made sense, but somehow he still felt reluctant. At the same time, I shouldn't become too complacent, either. Any choice he made seemed to pose some level of risk. It made him feel oddly vulnerable.

The weather had started to warm up recently. Sunlight poured into his room, heating the air in spite of a cool breeze blowing through the window. While lying there in the soothing comfort of his bed, his thoughts started to wander aimlessly. When he let down his defenses that way, he was surprised at how strong his feelings really were. Somewhere in between his conscious mind and the subconscious thoughts floating around in his head he wondered: Is it really such a bad thing if it turns out that I'm in love with Sanzo? Even though it wasn't something he wanted to feel, it didn't seem as though he had any control over it. If I truly did desire to make love to him, is it really such a terrible thing? Normally he would've told himself that it was indeed terrible, but instead he drifted off to sleep.

The sound of someone rapping firmly at his door echoed in his ears and woke him from his sleep. The light was fading from the sky and he realized that he really shouldn't have allowed himself to fall asleep. He'd probably be up at night again. Then the door opened and Gojyo walked in. “I convinced that bald monk to take us out to eat, since you're 'not feeling well enough' to cook. Do you wanna come, or should I bring somethin' back for ya?”

“I'll go.” Hakkai answered, welcoming the chance to get out of his room. He tried to act as naturally as possible, even deflecting the inevitable question from Sanzo about his nonexistent cold. However, Sanzo didn't completely buy his excuse. Hakkai knew that the time to tell the truth was quickly approaching: he was uncomfortable and distracted all through dinner, though not so much that anyone would notice, except for Sanzo. Even though he wasn't staring, Hakkai felt as though every move he made was being monitored by that discerning gaze.

Sanzo had been waiting all through dinner for an opportunity to talk to Hakkai without the other two interfering, but he hadn't gotten the chance. By the time they got back to the inn Goku and Gojyo were fighting again, giving him the opening he'd been looking for. “Hakkai...” he called, making sure he had the young man's attention. He had been acting strangely all day. In addition to which, things had been weird between them ever since Chin Yiso showed up. Sanzo knew that part of it was just that they were both adjusting to the fact that Hakkai no longer dragged around his past, but even so he had to wonder if something he'd said or done lately had gone too far and struck a nerve. “...if there's something you need to say to me....”

“Actually...” Hakkai trailed off, wondering if he should try to stall somehow and save the discussion for another night. He didn't feel ready, but he didn't think that having another day to prepare would make him feel any better. “...is it all right if we go and talk in your room instead?” Or else my room... he thought, feeling awkward for having asked to enter Sanzo's room. ...my room is also fine. Then he laughed at his own uncertainty. I'm so glad I didn't say that out loud just now. I sound nervous enough already.

This is something serious. Sanzo noted. “Fine.” They were already half way down the hall anyway. It was still relatively early, and since the whole group often gathered in Sanzo's room before going to bed Hakkai politely informed the other two that their presence was not desired. Gojyo was more than happy to entertain Goku for awhile so they could talk. Then Hakkai followed Sanzo into the room. Sanzo sat on the bed, pulled out a cigarette, and started to smoke while Hakkai pulled up a chair. They both waited for a few minutes, hoping that the other person would be the first to speak. Sanzo quickly tired of the posturing. “What is it?”

Hakkai struggled to find the words and failed. “You won't like it,” he said, thinking it appropriate to give fair warning.

When he said it like that, Sanzo knew to take him seriously. The statement got his full attention as he turned toward Hakkai and looked directly into his eyes. “What is it that I won't like?”

The soft, wounded sigh that quietly emanated from Hakkai's tightly closed lips echoed in the silence of the room. “I...” His gaze turned toward the floor. He still didn't know what to say, and to complicate matters he could feel a great lump of dread gathering in the back of his throat. “I'm afraid...” I'm sorry, Sanzo... I'm so very, very sorry. “I've developed... an attraction to you.”

“W-What?” Sanzo stammered. He was taken completely and utterly off guard. He had assumed it would be something about his stubborn attitude lately, or maybe the time they'd talked about his past, but nothing like this had ever crossed his mind at all. Developed an attraction? What the hell?! he wondered, getting flustered in spite of himself. “I-In what sense?!” he demanded.

“In every sense, I'm afraid,” Hakkai answered in a saccharine tone that was just ever-so-slightly demented. “Mentally, emotionally, and perhaps... physically, as well.”

“D-Damn it!” Sanzo cursed, his fingers shaking as he held the cigarette to his mouth. You're not supposed to... he thought, grimacing and clenching his teeth while blushing furiously at the same time. “FUCK!!”

The sheer volume and agonized tone of that voice wracked Hakkai's conscience with guilt. “I'm sorry.”

There were not enough derogatory expletives in the entire language to describe what Sanzo was feeling at that moment. Which was just as well, because he was so intensely frustrated that he couldn't speak, anyway. He finished his smoke, put it out, and lit another. Then another, and another, each one right on top of the last. It was almost as though he couldn't finish any of them quickly enough to get to the next. Time passed fleetingly for him, leaving only a vague memory as he worked through his anger. He scrambled frantically to get his thoughts in order, but no matter how hard he tried, his emotions got in the way. He couldn't think straight to save his own life. Nothing in his mind made sense.

Hakkai sat nearby, watching Sanzo in complete and utter dismay. They didn't meet each other's gaze at all, because Sanzo was too busy glaring at the wall to one side in order to avoid even looking in Hakkai's general direction. Hakkai watched carefully as every tense, contorted muscle on that face slowly eased down into a beaten-down look with bloodshot eyes. He felt guilty, of course. It was almost as though he could feel the weight of it resting on his shoulders. Every second he waited for Sanzo to say something was like torture. He wanted to say or do something, but he was afraid that Sanzo would yell at him if he made any sound.

Finally, Sanzo took a deep breath and spoke: “How long...” A day? A week? A month? “has this...” this “attraction” or whatever it is... “been the case?”

“To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely certain,” Hakkai replied, abashedly.

Sanzo scowled, not caring for the casual tone in that voice. Hakkai noticed it and decided that he should quickly provide clarification before Sanzo got even angrier.

“However, I think that... I've always felt this way.” It was strange, but for some reason Hakkai didn't feel uncomfortable saying this. “It's just that, while I was carrying my past around... blaming myself for my mistakes and looking to you for a way to live, I couldn't realize it.”

“Hmpf,” Sanzo grunted. Unfortunately, that made sense. It was a relief to him because he didn't want to think that certain things he'd revealed about his past within the past few days had changed everything, and he also didn't want to feel that he had brought this on himself somehow. Still, knowing that Hakkai had felt that way the whole time made things difficult. He didn't have the slightest idea what to do in this situation. “Why...” in the world would you feel so strongly about someone like me... and why... “are you saying this now?”

“You asked,” Hakkai replied politely. This is... why I've been so distracted.

“I see,” Sanzo stated, realizing that Hakkai had only just discovered this himself. Then, you're not really comfortable with this, either. “Even if that's the case, I can't return the sentiment.”

For some reason, to hear him say it so coldly and without a hint of regret really hurt. Even though Hakkai had expected this, it hurt more than he'd ever imagined it would. He almost felt like he wanted to cry.

When Sanzo saw the smile on Hakkai's face, which was so completely and utterly false at that moment, he knew he had to say something. I don't have anything against you, it's just... “It's not like I could do something like that, not for anyone! If you understand that...” ...stop taking it so personally already!

“I... understand.” Hakkai replied, in a tone that was completely broken. “It's because of the 'muichi motsu', isn't it?” Sanzo was startled to hear that phrase coming from Hakkai's mouth. Why had he bothered remembering something like that? “I believe it goes something like: If you meet Buddha, kill him, and if you meet the patriarchs...”

“...kill them,” Sanzo finished. “Free of all, bound by nothing... you live your life simply as it is.”

“Then, I suppose that 'hold nothing' also means to 'hold no one'.”

“It can be applied to anything!” Sanzo growled. Frustrated with Hakkai's literal interpretation of the phrase, he went back to smoking his cigarette. He hated the fact that Hakkai could read him so easily, especially when he was prone to using that information to torment himself. He came here to tell me this, even knowing that I would reject him. For some reason, he couldn't feel angry any more. Idiot! Don't make a martyr of yourself!

“I'm sorry.” Hakkai offered, noting the tension on Sanzo's brow.

That's another thing... Sanzo thought. I can't stand the way he says that! “If you don't want to die, then stop apologizing to me.” I don't want to hear it ever again.

“Yes.” Hakkai agreed, feeling somewhat awkward nonetheless. “Maybe I should go?” He waited for a moment, but Sanzo simply sat on his bed, staring at the wall without the slightest hint of wanting to give him a reply. So Hakkai got up and walked to the door.

It wasn't until he heard the hinges start to creak that Sanzo thought of something. “Hakkai.”

“Yes?”

“That day, when you had to face Chin Yiso... it didn't work the way I expected it to.”

“I don't know what you mean.”

“I guess you could say... my expectations were exceeded.”

Hakkai paused in the doorway, stunned by this sudden turnaround. You're really saying... that I exceeded your expectations, aren't you? “Sanzo...” with a slight blush to his cheeks, he leaned against the edge of the open door. When you say things like that, it touches me. In a way that makes it difficult... not to want more. Even though he knew that Sanzo didn't return those feelings, he told himself that it was comforting to know that he was still trusted. “Good night, Sanzo.”